Category Archives: humor

Top 10 Fictional Characters I Would Totally Marry

As these things often do, this list began life as part of a conversation on Twitter and it just kinda snowballed from there (also as these things often do). So, without further ado…

1. Kitty Pryde

Kitty’s mutant power allows her to walk through walls. But, she doesn’t need any special powers to walk into my heart.

2. Amy Pond

Redhead. Scottish. Shut up.

3. Stephanie Brown

I stand by my belief that, unless otherwise stated in the text, all fictional college students are at least 18 years old.

4. Kaywinnit Lee “Kaylee” Frye

Kaylee: “Wash, tell me I’m pretty.”

Wash: “Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion.”

Kaylee: “Cuz I’m pretty?”

Wash: “Cuz you’re pretty.”

5. Veronica Mars

Intelligent. Tough. And frequently emotionally unavailable. Yup, right in my wheelhouse.

6. Rory Gilmore

Rory’s smart. She’s neurotic. She’s addicted to caffeine. ‘Nuff said.

7. Barbara Gordon

More than anything else, I may be most concerned that two (yes, two) characters on this list have been (or are) Batgirl.

8. Winifred “Fred” Burkle

Okay, okay…so I have a big wheelhouse. It has many rooms.

9. Marion Ravenwood

Marion. Ravenwood. Have you seen Raiders of the Lost Ark?

10. Jaina Solo

Jedi. Pilot. Plus her parents are Han Solo and Princess Leia.

Submitted: Hal Jordan’s Real Green Lantern Oath

“IN BRIGHTEST DAY, IN COLDEST AIR,

I SEE YOU HIDING OVER THERE.

IF YOU DON’T FEAR MY STEELY GLARE,

BEWARE THE POWER OF…

GREEN LANTERN’S HAIR!”

Presented Without Comment…

ALVIN, SIMON & SIMON, and THEODORE:

Separated at Birth?

Well, maybe not “separated at birth,” per se…but, at the very least, I think I’ve just single-handedly given birth to The Bear Jew-as-Sylar’s-grandfather fanfic.

I’m With CoCo!

BITE ME, LENO!

SUCK IT, NBC!

I’M WITH COCO!

Art courtesy of Mike Mitchell.

By Any Other Name, He’s a Groovy Dane

Pulled this out and thought I’d share it*:

 

Beo-WOOF**

 

SCENE 1:

 

Heorot, the great hall of HROTHGAR. The King of the Danes is seated upon his throne, AESCHERE is at his side. UNFERTH and the DANISH WARRIORS are milling about in typical Viking fashion.

 

HROTHGAR: (visibly upset) Oh, great gods of the North. Why have you forsaken your chosen people and sent this horrible beast to prey upon us?

 

AESCHERE: My Lord. (leans closer to HROTHGAR, as if whispering in his ear) Perhaps one of your warriors have done something to anger Odin and the gods. (HROTHGAR lifts a hand as if to swat AESCHERE away. AESCHERE cowers) My Lord, I mean no disrespect, but–

 

Funky ’70s music can be heard. HROTHGAR looks around confused. He claps his hands and two DANISH WARRIORS march off stage. They return seconds later with FRED, DAPHNE, VELMA, SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO. The funky music gets louder, than stops.

 

HROTHGAR: Who are these strange travelers who come before me?

 

FRED: Hey. My name’s Fred. My friends and I were on our way to a really groovy barn dance and our van broke down. Do you guys have a phone we can use to call for–

 

HROTHGAR: Groovy! Barn dance! Van! PHONE!! WHAT ARE THESE STRANGE WORDS!!??!! Who sent you?

 

SHAGGY: Like, no one sent us, man. Like Freddie said, our van like broke down a few miles down the road.

 

AESCHERE: Perhaps, my Lord, this van they speak of is some kind of chariot.

 

HROTHGAR: (considering AESCHERE’s words) Perhaps. If you be pilgrims in my land, than you are welcome to stay in Heorot for the night. But be warned, the Danes are a cursed people.

 

SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO: C-c-c-cursed!!!!!

 

VELMA: Relax you two chickens. Who are you?

 

UNFERTH: (stepping between HROTHGAR and the kids) This is our king and lord. Hrothgar, the great king of the Danes. And this is his glorious hall: Heorot.

 

SHAGGY: Zoinks! King of the Danes…like, wow! Scoob, you’re a Dane, like a Great Dane at that. (laughs)

 

SCOOBY-DOO: (laughs hysterically…than stops and considers the joke) Ry ron’t ret it.

 

HROTHGAR: This is no time to laugh, strange furry man. Heorot is a cursed hall.

 

DAPHNE: Cursed? How?

 

UNFERTH: Our mighty king is plagued by Grendel.

 

VELMA: What’s a Grendel?

 

UNFERTH: Grendel is a hideous creature who comes out of the blackness around Heorot and slays the king’s mightiest warriors in the night. He is a plague and blight. He can not be stopped. (turns to HROTHGAR) We must abandon Heorot now, my lord, while some of us still draw breath.

 

FRED: Sounds like you have a ghost on your hands.

 

SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO: (shuddering, holding each other) A g-g-g-ghost!

 

HROTHGAR: (waves a dismissive hand) Grendel is no ghost. He is a demon. Flesh and blood like you or I.

 

SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO: (still cowering) A d-d-d-demon!

 

VELMA: Are you sure it’s a demon? It might be a ghost.

 

DAPHNE: Velma’s right. Maybe it’s a ghost demon.

 

FRED: We’ve faced ghosts before. Maybe we can solve this mystery for you.

 

HROTHGAR: ’Tis no mystery. ’Tis a curse. You are welcome to spend the night in my hall, but beware the claws of Grendel when the sun sets. (claps his hands) Let the night’s feast begin! If we are to die tonight, let it not be of hunger.

 

SHAGGY: Like, did he say feast?

 

Lights fade to black.

 

 

SCENE 2:

 

Later that night. SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO are still wearing the napkins from dinner around their necks.

 

HROTHGAR: Now that the feast has ended, let us retire for the night. Sleep well my brave warriors.

 

HROTHGAR closes his eyes and sleeps on his throne. UNFERTH and AESCHERE curl up in front of the king’s throne. The DANISH WARRIORS sleep wherever they can find space.

 

FRED: Okay gang, let’s get some sleep. Shaggy, you and Scoob go sleep over there (points across the stage) and the girls and I will sleep here.

 

SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO start to cross the stage. SHAGGY stops and looks back at FRED, DAPHNE and VELMA.

 

SHAGGY: Like, wait a minute, Freddie. Like how come I always get stuck with Scooby and you get to sleep with the girls?

 

FRED: (diplomatically) Come on, Shag. Someone has to protect the girls from this ghost. Besides, Scooby is YOUR dog. (SHAGGY considers this) Now, get your skinny stoner ass over there with your mutt and let me and the girls get some…sleep.

 

 

Lights fade to black.

 

 

SCENE 3:

 

Middle of the night. The stage is dark and everyone appears to be sleeping.

 

DAPHNE: Ohhh, Freddie.

 

FRED: Mmmmm. That’s right, Daph. Yeah. You know what I like.

 

DAPHNE: Put it right there. Right. There. Don’t stop.

 

VELMA: Oh, yes Daphne. Oh god…that’s SO GOOD!

 

DAPHNE: You like that?

 

FRED, DAPHNE, and VELMA moan with pleasure.

 

A crashing is heard off-stage, followed by a vicious snarling and growling sound.

 

AESCHERE: MY LORD! GRENDEL APPROACHES!!!!

 

The lights come on. HROTHGAR tosses aside his blanket and teddy bear and looks around. UNFERTH and the DANISH WARRIORS get to their feet, weapons ready. SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO wake up first. Across the stage, FRED, DAPHNE and VELMA are hidden under a blanket.

 

HROTHGAR: Unferth, go and warn the others. Bring every able-bodied warrior to me.

 

UNFERTH: (bowing) Yes, my lord. (exits)

 

SHAGGY: Like, what’s going on, man?

 

HROTHGAR: It is Grendel. He comes.

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Rendel? Re rums??

 

SHAGGY: Like oh man. (SHAGGY takes a pipe out of his pocket. He and SCOOBY-DOO smoke a bowl) Like, zoinks, Scoob.

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Reah, Raggy. (giggles) Roinks.

 

FRED, DAPHNE and VELMA emerge from their blanket. Their clothes and hair are in disarray. DAPHNE is wearing VELMA’s glasses.

 

FRED: Shag. Scoob. What’s going on?

 

SHAGGY: It’s like…y’know…like that Grendel guy. He’s like…here, Freddie.

 

VELMA: Hey. (takes her glasses back from DAPHNE) Give me those. I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

 

DAPHNE: (real flirtatious) You didn’t have a problem finding my–

 

FRED: DAPHNE!!

 

DAPHNE: Oh…ahem…right. So, where’s this demon?

 

FRED: Ghost.

 

VELMA: Demon ghost.

 

DANISH WARRIOR 1: My lord! Grendel approaches!!

 

GRENDEL enters, shambling like a B-movie monster from the ’50s. SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO grab each other and shiver. HROTHGAR stands, weapon raised. The DANISH WARRIORS charge.

 

GRENDEL: (growling) Hrothgar…Hrothgar…Leave this place. (DANISH WARRIOR 1 attacks GRENDEL with a spear) Foolish Dane! (he knocks the WARRIOR down) No one can stop Grendel!

 

DANISH WARRIOR 2: My lord, we need more men!

 

HROTHGAR: (swinging his sword over his head) Where is Unferth?

 

GRENDEL grapples with the remaining DANISH WARRIORS. SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO run around the stage in various directions. They finally hide behind the throne.

 

AESCHERE: (from behind the throne) Hey…get out of here. This is my hiding place.

 

SHAGGY: Like, relax, man. There’s plenty of room.

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Reah. Renty of room.

 

DANISH WARRIOR 2: Take that foul beast! (thrusts his spear at GRENDEL)

 

GRENDEL: (grabs his side) Ow…you sonuva–I, ah, I mean GROWL!! ROAR!! GRRRRrrrrrrrr!!

 

FRED: Hmmmm.

 

GRENDEL: GRENDEL WILL FEAST ON YOUR FLESH! CHEW ON YOUR BONES! WEAR YOUR SLIMY ENTRAILS AS A SCARF!! Ummm…USE YOUR STOMACH AS A HAT!!…yeah.

 

HROTHGAR: KEEP FIGHTING MEN!!

 

DANISH WARRIOR 3 and 4: DIE DEMON!!!! (both WARRIORS charge GRENDEL with their spears)

 

GRENDEL: (stumbling backwards) Oww…quit it. (pausing, as if remembering something) GRRRR. GROOOOOWL. ROAR!

 

SHAGGY: Like, what’s going on out there, Scoob.

 

GRENDEL lopes towards the throne.

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Ry ron’t row, Raggy.

 

SHAGGY: Like, why don’t ya take a look, pal.

 

SCOOBY-DOO peeks out from behind the throne just as GRENDEL reaches it.

 

SCOOBY-DOO: (waving sheepishly at GRENDEL) Heh heh…rello.

 

GRENDEL: GRRRRRR! (knocks throne over and reaches for SHAGGY, SCOOBY-DOO and AESCHERE)

 

SHAGGY: Zoinks! (He and SCOOBY-DOO jump up and run)

 

GRENDEL grabs AESCHERE by the legs and drags him off stage

 

DANISH WARRIOR 2: (lifting spear triumphantly) Run, foul creature.

 

DANISH WARRIOR 4: Think twice before invading the hall of King Hrothgar, creature.

 

DANISH WARRIOR 3: Umm…yeah…we RULE!

 

HROTHGAR: (adjusting his crown) Yes, my mighty warriors. You did well. Such strength. Such bravery. However, one of your number has fallen (points to DANISH WARRIOR 1 laying on the stage) and my trusted advisor has been taken.

 

UNFERTH enters, running. He is panting, out of breath.

 

HROTHGAR: Unferth! Where in the realm of Midgard have you been?

 

UNFERTH: (still panting) I am sorry, my lord. I was attacked from behind by the beast. By the time I came to, I heard your cheers of victory.

 

FRED: Hmmm.

 

DAPHNE: That’s the second time you said that.

 

FRED: Something doesn’t feel right.

 

VELMA: Jinkies. (points to the floor) Look you guys. (bends down and picks up a scrap of paper)

 

DAPHNE: What is it baby…I–uh–I mean, Velma.

 

VELMA: (studying paper) It’s a torn piece of paper…I’m not sure, but it looks like it came from a set of blueprints.

 

FRED: Hmmm.

 

VELMA and DAPHNE: STOP THAT!

 

FRED: Oh. Sorry. But I think I’ve finally gotten to the bottom of this little mystery.

 

HROTHGAR: ’Tis no mystery! ’Tis a curse!

 

FRED: Whatever. Come on, gang. I have an idea.

 

FRED, DAPHNE, VELMA, SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO exit. Lights fade to black.

 

 

SCENE 4:

 

The stage is empty. FRED, DAPHNE, VELMA, SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO enter.

 

FRED: Come on, Scoob. It’ll be easy.

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Ruh-uh.

 

VELMA: (holding up a box) Will you do it for a Scooby-Snack?

 

SCOOBY-DOO: (shakes his head) Ro.

 

VELMA: Two Scooby-Snacks?

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Rope.

 

FRED: Okay, Scoob. What DO you want? The whole box?

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Ruh-uh. (looks at DAPHNE, nods his head and pants)

 

DAPHNE: Oh no. No way, you little freak! (SCOOBY-DOO snickers) NO WAY IN HELL!!

 

SHAGGY: Like, if you’re offering Daph, I’ll, like, do it instead of Scoob.

 

DAPHNE: (hiding her face in her hands) Oh God…why me…WHY??

 

FRED: (whispering to DAPHNE) Relax, babe. Scooby’s neutered. Besides, Velma and I will make it up to you later.

 

DAPHNE sobs quietly as lights fade to black.

 

 

 

 

SCENE 5:

 

The following night. The stage is dimly lit. HROTHGAR and the DANISH WARRIORS are asleep. Snarling is heard off-stage, followed by the same crashing heard the night before.

 

GRENDEL enters.

 

GRENDEL: GRRR! ROAR! I AM GRENDEL. DEMON-SPAWN OF CAIN!! (GRENDEL grabs the nearest WARRIOR) Come with me mighty Dane.

 

(The lights come on to reveal that the WARRIOR is actually SCOOBY-DOO wearing a fake beard and a Viking helmet)

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Rurprise! (he licks GRENDEL)

 

GRENDEL: AHH!!

 

FRED: (from off-stage) NOW!

 

(DAPHNE and VELMA charge onto the stage and throw a net over GRENDEL)

 

GRENDEL: (struggling under the net) GRRR! I am Grendel! No mortal man can stop–

 

DAPHNE: (kicks GRENDEL) Oh, knock it off!

 

FRED enters.

 

DAPHNE: We got him, Fred.

 

FRED: Good job, gang. Uh…wait a minute…where’s Shaggy?

 

SHAGGY enters, a little unsteadily. He’s munching a bag of chips.

 

SHAGGY: Like sorry, gang. Got a little, like, y’know, distracted. Some of these wooden walls are, like, reeeeeally interesting.

 

HROTHGAR gets off his throne and approaches the captured GRENDEL. The DANISH WARRIORS follow.

 

HROTHGAR: Good work, brave travelers. However, my trusted Aeschere remains lost to us.

 

FRED: (arrogantly) Not exactly, Your Highness. Scoob.

 

SCOOBY-DOO runs off-stage, barking. He returns, dragging AESCHERE by his pants, or whatever it is Vikings wear.

 

HROTHGAR: Oh, by Odin’s mercy! Aeschere, my trusted advisor. You have been spared! Unferth! Unferth, come and see how Aeschere has survived his ordeal… (looking around) Unferth, where have you gone?

 

VELMA: (to HROTHGAR) You’re really very stupid, aren’t you?

 

HROTHGAR: I do not understand what you mean.

 

FRED: Aeschere is part of this. He’s Grendel’s partner.

 

HROTHGAR and the DANISH WARRIORS laugh hearty Viking laughs.

 

HROTHGAR: (still chuckling) I will never believe that.

 

AESCHERE: (sniveling like any self-respecting sycophant) My lord. Do not believe these strangers. They are servants of Loki. I had nothing to do with this. It was all him…all his idea…

 

Fade to black.

 

 

SCENE 6:

 

AESCHERE and GRENDEL are tied up together. FRED, DAPHNE, VELMA, SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO stand next to them. HROTHGAR looks on, obviously confused. The SHERIFF and his three DEPUTIES complete the group.

 

FRED: Here you go, Sheriff. Grendel and his partner.

 

VELMA: And, if I’m not mistaken, you’ll find that Grendel really isn’t a demon.

 

HROTHGAR: Of course he is a demon. He was sent by the gods to curse me and my great hall. He–

 

DAPHNE: Stop! Okay, just stop.

 

VELMA: (taking off GRENDEL’s mask and revealing it to be UNFERTH) See. It was a mask all along. Unferth and Aeschere were trying to scare everyone out of Heorot.

 

HROTHGAR: That can not be. Aeschere and Unferth were both in my hall when Grendel appeared.

 

FRED: No. They were in your hall when you first heard Grendel. You sent Unferth for help, remember?

 

SHAGGY: And that’s when he, like, put on his Grendel costume.

 

HROTHGAR: But how did we hear the creature if both of them were in my hall?

 

VELMA: With this. (reaches into AESCHERE’s clothes and pulls out a tape-recorder) Listen. (pushes button on the tape-recorder and the crashing and snarling noises are heard) Aeschere played the tape before each attack and then Unferth would run out to put on his costume.

 

HROTHGAR: But, Unferth was attacked by the beast.

 

FRED: (to HROTHGAR) God, you’re so fucking stupid! If Grendel wanted to kill your people, why did he just knock Unferth out and leave him? Huh? Why?

 

HROTHGAR: (a little befuddled) Well, Unferth is a brave and noble warrior. The demon was obviously frightened by his might and valor.

 

SHERIFF: Okay. So Unferth and Aeschere were partners in this whole Grendel business. But why?

 

VELMA: That’s easy Sheriff. (hands him the scrap of paper) Unferth dropped this during last night’s fight. It’s a blueprint…or a piece of one, at least.

 

SHERIFF: Blueprint, huh?

 

VELMA: Yes. For a Starbuck’s. The Starbuck’s corporation has been trying to break into the Danish market for sometime. They figure Vikings just can’t resist a moccachino. Aeschere knew that Starbuck’s tried to buy the land Heorot was built on from Hrothgar, but he wouldn’t sell.

 

SHAGGY: Right. So, like, Aeschere and Unferth cooked up this whole scheme to, like, scare Hrothgar away. Then they’d, like, sell the land to Starbuck’s.

 

DAPHNE: And make a fortune.

 

UNFERTH: And we would have gotten away with it, too, if–

 

FRED: Don’t. Don’t say it.

 

UNFERTH: (pleading) Oh come on…everyone else got to say it. Why can’t I? It’s not fair…it’s not–

 

FRED: Okay. Say it. But make it quick.

 

UNFERTH: (pleased with himself) Ahem…we would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids and your nosey dog.

 

SHERIFF and his DEPUTIES take UNFERTH and AESCHERE off-stage.

 

HROTHGAR: How can I ever repay you, strange travelers. You have saved my kingdom.

 

FRED: Don’t worry about it, Hrothgar. It’s what we do.

 

HROTHGAR: Well, my friends. You are welcome to return to my great hall whenever you please. You will be treated as the brave and noble warriors that you are.

 

SHAGGY: Hey, like, thanks.

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Reah. Ranks.

 

HROTHGAR: No. Thank you, Scooby-Doo. I may be the King of the Danes, but you, Scooby-Doo, are truly a GREAT DANE.

 

FRED, DAPHNE, VELMA, SHAGGY, SCOOBY-DOO and HROTHGAR all laugh as the lights fade to black.

========================================

*: That’s what she said.

**: I neither own, nor claim to own, any of the characters used in this piece. Except the Sheriff. He was all mine.

I Don’t Care What You Think…

…this still makes me laugh like a 12-year-old…