The Situation: You need a doctor. It doesn’t really matter why you need one–maybe it’s something simple like a car accident, but maybe you’ve been in a fight at a shady saloon or gotten caught in a shoot-out while engaging in some less-than-legal activities. Or, and this is the really scary part, maybe you have absolutely no idea what’s wrong with you. It could happen. You suddenly feel dizzy or nauseous. You lose the ability to speak, see, hear, or move your limbs. Whatever the problem, you need to get your ass to a doctor.
The Criteria: I say screw the bedside manner. If I’m in pain or at death’s door, I want a doctor who’ll fix me. If I want someone to hold my hand, I’ll call my mother.
1. Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy
What’s better than a cranky country doctor? A cranky country doctor in space, that’s what. Despite all the fancy gadgets and unnecessary techno-babble, Bones was as down-to-earth as you’re going to find on the Enterprise. This guy tells it to ya straight–there’s a reason he’s synonymous with the line “He’s dead, Jim.”
2. Dr. Gregory House
House makes Bones look like a freakin’ cheerleader. He’s good and he knows it, so why pretend? If you’ve got a weird disease, House will figure it out. And, he’ll do it while popping Vicodin, listening to rock n’ roll, and making everyone around him as miserable as he is.
3. Doc Amos Cochran
There’s something to be said about one of the few people in Deadwood who are willing to stand up to Al Swearengen. Doc Cochran saw a lot of shit as a field medic during the Civil War and that’s made him the most morally upright person in an otherwise immoral town. Like House, Cochran’s been known to “medicate” himself as often as his patients, but he’ll patch you up whether you’re prospector, gunslinger, or whore.
4. Dr. Simon Tam
At times pompous, cold, withdrawn, and self-righteous, but that’s to be expected when you grew up in the wealthier parts of the ‘Verse and then find yourself on the run in the asshole end of the galaxy. Simon gave up a cushy gig as a trauma surgeon in a fancy hospital to rescue his little sister River from a secret government organization, making them both fugitives. Luckily for those who find themselves on his table, Simon shows the same kind of compassion to his patients–whether they’re complete strangers, bounty hunters, or crew-mates who’d turn him and his sister over to the Feds for the reward.