Forget Democrats vs. Republicans…This is Way More Important

I’ve been re-watching the fifth season of Angel, and find myself drawn into the very argument put to that show’s staff by Buffy writer Doug Petrie.  So, in the interest of healthy discourse, I open the floor to you, Mr. and Mrs. Internet:

ASTRONAUT                               VS.                                      CAVEMAN

astronaut.jpg                                                                      caveman.jpg

         

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13 responses to “Forget Democrats vs. Republicans…This is Way More Important

  1. If it’s River, Astronaut. If it’s Jayne, Caveman;>

  2. An interesting take on it…

    I’m torn. Part of me thinks the caveman’s strength and primal instincts would trump the astronaut in a direct hand-to-hand confrontation. But, the astronaut’s shiny get-up would certainly confuse (and possibly frighten) the primative caveman. Plus, if the astronaut could keep his distance long enough, he might be able to out-smart the caveman.

  3. It’s going to come down to a couple of factors:

    1. What kind of cavemen are we talking about? Neanderthals were fairly large, but most other early primates were quite small compared to modern-day man. For instance, Austrilopithicus, the oldest known human ancestor, was about the size of a cocker spaniel, if I’m not mistaken.

    2. Will tools be involved? If the cavemen can attack with their club- and rock-based technology, I don’t see why astronauts shouldn’t be given the same opportunity to use their science to protect themselves. Again, depending on what type of caveman we’re talking about, lighting a simple match might be all the psychological edge they need.

    On a level playing field, cavemen would seem to have the advantage. Their primal instincts haven’t been dulled by civilization, which will let them kill without hesitation. But astronauts have to be in tip-top shape to get into the space program, while cavemen are likely to be malnourished. That’s why I think that if the astronauts can survive the initial surge of caveman fury, their larger size and more developed strategizing skills should help them win the day.

  4. Well–and it’s been a decade since I got my degree in anthropology, so I might be wrong–but, I’ve always operated under the assumption that the term “caveman” refers to Neanderthals.

    But, I think you’re right, if they survived the initial onslaught, the astronauts might have an edge.

  5. I didn’t realize that “caveman” was a technical term.

  6. Yes. Yes it is…as are “thingamajigs”, “doodads”, and “whoseewhatsits”.

    Actually, I’m lying. My point being, I believe the earlier ancestors of humans were primarily grassland-dwellers. For the most part, humans didn’t start living in caves (becoming…wait for it…cavemen) until Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon, neither of which were much shorter than modern humans.

    Uggh…I’m such a dork…

  7. But, you’re so cute when you’re rationalizing…

    I loved that last comment. I’m still snickering.

  8. Also, why do we automatically assume that the cavemen are going to attack first? We homo sapiens are just as capable of unprovoked aggression as our so-called “savage” forbearers. If the astronauts could mount a tactical “shock and awe” assault designed to crush caveman morale and foster confusion and terror, I don’t think the cavemen would stand a chance.

  9. I guess I was just assuming that the astronauts would take the STAR TREK approach of “Let’s try to communicate with these fellows first” and the cavemen’s first instinct would be “Grok smash shiny sky-man!”

    Of course, I could be wrong.

  10. I never realized what an anti-neanderthalite you were.

  11. Yes. I am a closet evolutionist….I keep it a secret to hide my shame.

  12. As a born-and-raised Catholic, I’m going to hell for even having this discussion. Caveman never existed. The earth was created in just one week’s time in 5,000 B.C. The entire fossil record (and science in general) is just Satan’s way of tricking the masses. First you believe in evolution, and the next thing you know, you’re sacrificing babies to Beelzebub.

    Another great punk band name: Babies To Beelzebub.

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