What I’ve learned from Hollywood

In the midst of the WGA strike, I feel the need to let you all know the many important lessons that I’ve learned from movies and TV over the years.  So, in no particular order, here it is:

1. If a volcano erupts, call Tommy Lee Jones or Pierce Brosnan.

2. If an asteroid is heading towards Earth, call Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck.

3. If there’s an alien invasion, call Will Smith.

4. If there’s a new Ice Age, call Dennis Quaid and Jake Gyllenhal.

5. What not to do during your show’s season finale: (a) get on a plane, (b) plan a “dream vacation”, (c) confess your love for someone, (d) agree to meet someone at a specific place at a specific time.

6. The avalanche has begun.  It is too late for the pebbles to vote.

7. Never invite Angela Lansbury to a dinner party.

8. Losers whine about their best.  Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.

9. If you run for president, never EVER choose Powers Boothe as your VP.

10. If the doorbell rings and Rod Serling is at the door, do not, under any circumstances, let him in the house.  In fact, it’s best to call the cops and make sure he’s as far away from your house/place of business as possible.  Weird shit happens every place that dude goes.

11. Sometimes it’s just a guy in a mask.

12. You should have boards in these…bloody savage.

13. Sometimes it isn’t just a guy in a mask.

14. Robots will rebel…it’s just a matter of time.

15. Zombies on the rampage?  Aim for the head, dumbass!

Words to live by…trust me, kids.

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4 responses to “What I’ve learned from Hollywood

  1. Original Kennedy

    16. If your show is having a “special episode” you’re either getting molested, or racially slurred. Either way, it’s a shitty Tuesday.

    17. Bad guys will unfailingly lock the A-Team in a warehouse full of machinery and tools, then be baffled when they come bursting through the door with a weapon of some sort. I’ll tell you a secret, you could lock me and Corky from Life Goes On in a warehouse full of machinery and tools and we’d come out with a slingshot and a helmet for the C-man at the very least.

    18. You know how Dick Van Dyke sometimes side-stepped the footrest and sometimes he tripped over it? Why didn’t Mary Tyler Moore just move the thing? Or better yet, why didn’t Van Dyke try to be less of an imbecile and just remember it was there? Sure it’s a cute intro, but in real life, shit like that leads to divorce.

    19. Sitcoms can name child characters Beaver and Boner and everyone will pretend like it’s okay.

    20. So, Rudy was just a huge loser who got a gimme-sack in a game that was already over after years of struggling that proved that he was neither very clever, nor a very good football player? Did I miss something?

    21. No matter how big a star becomes, some guys are just cooler than others. Kurt Russel is still rocking that mullet and banging Goldie Hawn. He’s just cooler than you, Jake Gyllenhaaaaaal, accept it.

    22. Don’t be fooled, girls are not ACTUALLY okay with dudes falling in love with, and marrying, hookers with hearts of gold that were hired for the week to provide a date to fancy events. In fact, they’re largely not okay with hookers at all.

    23. The chick in Big banged a 13-year-old. I mean, at the end of the day, that dude was 13. Just throwing that out there.

    24. No one in movies or TV shows ever says “goodbye” when they hang up the phone. I fucking hate that.

    25. Overweight, unfunny, ex-comedians who traffic in mediocrity not only get their own sitcoms, but they get to be married to hot chicks in them. I’m looking at you Belushi.

    26. Matlock was really taking a lot of responsibility on with all those crimes he was solving.

    27. MacGyver is getting out of those handcuffs. He’s also escaping from the trunk of that car. He’s going to diffuse your bomb. He’s unraveling your heinous plan right before your eyes. Oh, you’ve tied him up? Hate to break it to you, but your ropes mean nothing to him. He’s probably already out of them. Yep, there he is, see? Up on top of that building with a homemade grenade. You are so fucked.

  2. game, original kennedy.

  3. I have been rightfully humbled within my own realm of the blogosphere. My lands are ablaze…my fortress in ruins…my maidens defiled…oh the humanity!

  4. Original Kennedy

    Oh, i wasn’t trying to humble anyone. i was just adding on things i myself have learned from both TV and Hollywood.

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