Let’s RE-Cast…THE FANTASTIC FOUR

A few months back, Disney bought Marvel Entertainment. Almost as soon as this was announced, Fox announced plans to reboot its Fantastic Four franchise, which (in case you don’t know) is based on a Marvel comic about the greatest superhero team ever assembled. Ever. The first two movies weren’t exactly critical or financial successes–partially, I think, because the public is retarded and people think that every comic book is dark and broody, like Batman, or tackles serious social issues, like X-Men. Personally, I thought these two movies–despite less-than-perfect casting and occasionally shaky special effects–captured the light, sitcom-like feeling that Stan Lee and Jack Kirby intended when they created the characters over forty years ago. So, while Fox tries to crank out one more movie before they lose the film rights to Disney, I thought I’d give them a hand and cast the thing for them.

The Plot: First of all, DO NOT RETELL THEIR FUCKING ORIGIN!!! Comic book movies that simply tell the origin of the heroes are lame. You waste two-thirds of the movie watching characters wander around and talking about shit before you actually get to see a costume or a fight. Lazy writers produce scripts that simply rehash the origin. (The only exception is Iron Man…because, let’s be honest, we all want to watch a dude build robot suits.) The Fantastic Four have no secret identities, so you use the opening credits to show them on a talk show or something, where they are forced to tell the story of Reed Richards’ failed experiment in space travel and how they were bombarded by cosmic rays and gained superpowers. Done. Now, let’s punch some fuckers.

The Cast: Like I said, some of the casting of the actual FF movies sucked. Some did not. Ioaaiuen Gryffiphaueuoud (did I forget a vowel or two?) was horrible as Reed. And, are we supposed to believe that enough years separate Jessica Alba and Chris Evans for the Storm siblings to have actually developed a parent-child relationship?

THE MAIN CAST

Hugh Laurie as Mister Fantastic/Reed Richards

Hugh Laurie is awesome, which is really the only excuse you need to cast him in anything. However, we’ve also seen that he can play the smartest guy in the room on House. And, for those of you who don’t remember anything past the last three years, I’m here to tell you that Laurie can do much more than cranky asshole, he’d capture Reed’s absent-minded professor shtick without breaking a sweat.

Tricia Helfer as The Invisible Woman/Susan Storm Richards

This just in: people do not die at twenty-nine. I know, Hollywood, I know…it’s a shock. I can tell you’re surprised because none of your movies seem to star people in their thirties. Look, Reed’s an older dude and he met Sue when he was in college. Ignoring the fact that Helfer is just plain awesome, she’s also shown that she can project the combination of strength, brains, and beauty that we need for Sue.

Michael Chiklis as The Thing/Benjamin J. Grimm

and Chris Evans as The Human Torch/Johnny Storm

When a casting decision works, there’s no reason to change it just to be different. Chiklis was created by the hand of God to play Ben Grimm. As for Evans…well, to be honest, I was nervous when he was first cast, but damn did he nail Johnny. Plus, the chemistry between these two actors was just pitch-perfect.

Rutger Hauer as Doctor Victor von Doom

You can’t have a Fantastic Four movie without Doctor Doom. But, why anyone would think turning the super-awesome iron-clad despot of Latveria into a narcissistic corporate wanker is beyond me. Doom chills in a castle, not a penthouse.

FRIENDS/ALLIES

Traylor Howard as Alicia Masters

Alicia–the blind sculptor who wins Ben’s heart and shows him that no matter what he looks like on the outside, he’s still the same man on the inside–is as much a part of the team/family as anyone.

Chiwetel Ejiofor as The Black Panther/King T’Challa of Wakanda

Black Panther–who is, in actuality, King T’Challa of Wakanda–has been an ally of the Fantastic Four for years. As the Operative in Serenity, Ejiofor has shown a quiet nobility, strength of purpose, and an aptitude for choreographed fight scenes.

Lindy Booth as Frankie Raye

Frankie Raye and Johnny Storm dated for a while in the FF comics (leading to at least one joke about the song). Their relationship was a bit rocky, because Frankie was deathly afraid of fire. Of course, the reason she was afraid of fire was because she secretly had flame-based powers similar to the Human Torch. Lindy has three things going for her: she has action experience from her time on The Famous Jett Jackson, she’s Canadian, and she’s a redhead.

THE VILLAINS (There are enough kick-ass FF villains to populate three or four movies, without resorting to idiotic, pandering cloud-monsters in space.)

Clint Howard as Mole Man/Harvey Elder

Mole Man was the first villain that the Fantastic Four ever faced, waaaaay back in 1961’s issue #1. While he may not be as iconic an enemy as Doctor Doom, I think his place in the team’s history needs to be recognized. Plus, any excuse to put Clint Howard in a movie.

Temuera Morrison as Prince Namor of Atlantis

What’s the deal with Namor? Is he villain or ally? Both, maybe? Either way, he’s an arrogant douchebag who takes every opportunity to try and bag Reed’s wife. I have no other reason for choosing Morrison to play Namor other than Jango Fett was kind of an arrogant douchebag, too.

Nestor Carbonell as Diablo/Esteban Corazón de Ablo

Diablo is a 9th century alchemist who, after making a pact with a demon, is granted extreme longevity. Surviving to the modern day, Diablo uses his alchemical skills to try to conquer the world. I just like Carbonell, he was awesome as Batmanuel on The Tick.

Lee Arenberg as Red Ghost/Ivan Kragoff

Ivan Kragoff was a Soviet scientist who intentionally exposed himself and three research apes to cosmic rays, granting them all superpowers. I will repeat that, in case you missed it: Apes. With. Superpowers. He kind of looks the part, so I’d be willing to see if Arenberg could provide a passable Russian accent.

Brad Dourif as Puppet Master/Phillip Masters

With the ability to create puppets through which he can control the living (hey, I am not making this shit up), Puppet Master has frequently pitted the Fantastic Four against friends and allies, as well as each other. He also happens to be the adoptive father of Alicia Masters. Why Dourif? Well, he’s awesome. Also, he’s spent a large percentage of his career playing a doll, so I figured it was time he got a chance to pull the strings, as it were.

Billy Campbell as The Wizard/Bentley Wittman

With a near-superhuman level intellect, The Wizard frequently uses his genius and inventions to prove that he’s better than Mister Fantastic. He even went so far as to assemble his own team, the Frightful Four. There’s just something about Billy Campbell that says “I’m really smart, but also really fucking evil.”

Jeffrey Combs as Ulysses Klaw

Physicist Ulysses Klaw has had run-ins with the Fantastic Four and Black Panther on several occasions, eventually joining the Wizard’s Frightful Four. As a being composed of solid sound, Klaw can not only project deadly sonic blasts, but he is also super strong. As an actor who has reanimated the dead and aided super-powered abductees, I think Combs could do Klaw justice.

Zeljko Ivanek as The Trapster/Peter Petruski

Another member of the Frightful Four, the Trapster is an expert chemist whose suit allows him to project a variety of powerful adhesives and lubricants, which he uses to trap his adversaries. Ivanek recently appeared on Heroes as a government agent obsessed with hunting and trapping individuals gifted with special abilities.

Adam Baldwin as Hydro-Man/Morris Bench

The fourth member of the Frightful Four, Hydro-Man has the ability to transform his body into a water-like substance, as well as the ability to control nearby bodies of water. Hydro-Man is a big dude who’s somewhat lacking in intellect; Adam Baldwin is a big dude who plays characters of varying intellect.

Let’s Cast…THE JUSTICE SOCIETY OF AMERICA

One of the things I like most about the DC Universe is the concept of the Legacy Hero. With the exception of the big guns like Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman, many of the identities of popular DC heroes have been used by multiple individuals over the years. The Justice Society of America best reflects this idea with stories about the older generations of heroes mentoring the younger heroes. So, inspired by news of a JSA episode of Smallville, I figured I’d cast a movie version.

The Plot: In the closing days of World War II, masked heroes Green Lantern, the Flash, and Wildcat uncover a plot by immortal mastermind Vandal Savage. While the rest of the world is focused on the events unfolding in Europe and the Pacific, these three heroes face and defeat Savage. Now, decades later, Savage has returned and the elder heroes must come out of retirement and lead their successors in a battle for the fate of humankind.

The Cast: The best thing about a Justice Society of America movie is that Hollywood will be forced to acknowledge that people live past the age of thirty. Let’s have some more mature actors open a can of whoop-ass.

Jamey Sheridan as Sentinel (Green Lantern)/Alan Scott

I’ve liked Jamey Sheridan since he played Randall Flagg in The Stand, then he popped up on Law & Order: Criminal Intent. Now the poor bastard is stuck on Trauma…give the guy a cape and a domino mask and let him kick some immortal ass as DC’s first Green Lantern.

John Wesley Shipp as The Flash/Jay Garrick

If you don’t understand why casting John Wesley Shipp to play the first Flash is the most awesomest idea ever, then you just haven’t been paying attention.

Jerry Doyle as Wildcat/Ted Grant

On Babylon 5, Doyle played the gruff, blue-collar security chief Michael Garibaldi. I think he’d be perfect as the gruff, blue-collar boxer/mystery man Wildcat. (As much as I love Doyle, it’s really too bad Lee Marvin isn’t still around to play Ted.)

Michael Shanks as Hawkman/Carter Hall

Yeah, I’m stealing this from Geoff Johns’ episode of Smallville. While I couldn’t give two shits about Hawkman, I love the idea of seeing Stargate SG-1’s Shanks play an archaeologist again…with wings and a mace to boot!

Katee Sackhoff as Power Girl/Kara Zor-L

With Battlestar Galactica over, I’m afraid Sackhoff may not get another chance to be a totally kick-ass action hero. Sure, she’ll be on the new season of 24, but it’s hard for anyone on that show to out-badass Bauer. Look at the hair…Katee as Kara seems like a good fit, let’s just alter that ridiculous costume a little bit, shall we? (Okay, just realized that this would be the second Kara that Sackhoff plays. Do it, Hollywood. Do it.)

Dule Hill as Mister Terrific/Michael Holt

Mister Terrific is the third smartest person in the DC Universe. Hill has played serious-smart (Charlie on The West Wing) and goofy-smart (as Gus on Psych), so I think he can handle Terrific’s intellect. Plus, he’d just look damned awesome in that mask and jacket.

Emmy Clarke as Stargirl/Courtney Whitmore

One of the comments I heard about the actress cast to play Stargirl on Smallville was that she was a little too “CW.” Court’s got a geeky, awkward thing that I think Monk’s Emmy Clarke could bring to the role.

Molly Quinn as Cyclone/Maxine Hunkel

The youngest member of the JSA, Max Hunkel is a bit of a motormouthed fangirl. While Quinn exudes poise as the daughter of bestselling novelist Richard Castle on Castle, she sure as hell looks the part.

Jensen Ackles as Sandman/Sanderson “Sandy” Hawkins

I can’t explain it…I just like Ackles. I think he’d have a blast playing the former sidekick-turned-hero. Plus, Ackles has shown he can convincingly solve a mystery or two on Supernatural.

Sean Bean as Vandal Savage

There’s just something about a Sean Bean villain. He’s a big dude and can be physically menacing, but there’s also a nobility about him, even as he’s threatening to shoot your wife/husband/daughter/father/best friend.

Let’s Cast…THE NEW MUTANTS

A while back, Disney bought Marvel and, once the nerds stopped their infernal bitching, they were able to read this story. Could we be getting a New Mutants movie? God, I hope so. I mean, I hate teenagers and most stories about teenagers, but I do love me some New Mutants. Maybe it’s because when I first started reading comics, the first team of New Mutants had just formed and they were only a little older than I was. Whatever, I don’t care. The fact is, they might be making a New Mutants movie. If nothing else, it will finally give Hollywood an excuse to cast a bunch of zygotes in a superhero movie.

The Plot: As always, let’s keep this shit simple. Someone–or something–has been terrorizing the southwestern states of the U.S. Now, this malevolent force is heading towards Boulder, CO,  where Dani Moonstar grew up. With the rest of the X-Men away doing something adult and boring (like fighting for their civil rights or some other lame-ass bullshit), it’s up to the junior varsity team to handle the situation. When the New Mutants investigate, they come face to face with the vicious Demon Bear.

The Cast: I know very little about actors born after 1990, so this wasn’t the easiest thing in the world for me to do. Also, even though this movie is part of the X-Men franchise, there will be no fucking Wolverine! Maybe…maybe…Patrick Stewart could show up in either the beginning or the end as Xavier, but I don’t want Hugh Jackman sniffing around anywhere near this set.

Bug Hall as Cannonball/Samuel Guthrie

I hated Cannonball for a long time. He always struck me as a Junior Cyclops, a nice guy but sorta dull and by-the-book. Lately, though, I’ve come around to liking the guy. To me, Cannonball’s defining characteristic is his height, and Bug Hall clocks in at around 6′ 2″. Plus, the kid’s from Texas and played Alfalfa in the Little Rascals movie, so I’m sure Bug could handle playing the son of a Kentucky coal miner.

Selena Gomez as Danielle “Dani” Moonstar

Selena plays a wizard or something on the Disney Channel, right? Okay, so playing a mutant shouldn’t be too much of a stretch. I wonder how she’d feel about learning how to use a bow and arrow…

Corbin Bleu as Sunspot/Roberto “Bobby” da Costa

I tried to find a young Brazilian actor who looked like he was capable of more than just standing around in his underwear and gazing dreamily into the camera. Didn’t work out too well. So, instead, I decided to find someone who looked like what I imagine Bobby would look like. That’s when I found Corbin.

Karen Gillan as Rahne Sinclair/Wolfsbane

Gillan’s a redhead and a Scot, can we do better than that? Now, for most of her appearances, Rahne sported a crew cut…but, when she returned to Xavier’s school after losing her powers, she had grown her hair out. Of course, she had also abandoned her usual shy, retired personality for one of mock-rebellion. I honestly don’t care is Gillan plays the role with long or short hair (although cutting that hair would be a crime), but I would prefer a Wolfsbane who was more mousy than brash.

Jessica Weixler as Magik/Illyana Rasputin

Magik’s kind of tricky. On one hand, she’s a mutant who can create discs that teleport herself and others across dimensions. On the other hand, she’s a half-demon sorceress and the ruler of Limbo. There’s also been that whole aging, de-aging, re-aging thing. Maybe this movie could briefly touch on Magik’s sorcery and then explore it more in a sequel. Either way, I think Weixler looks the part.

Kelly Vitz as Karma/Xi’an McCoy

Karma started off as the team leader, then “died” and was replaced by Cannonball. I’m only really familiar with the team under Sam’s leadership, but have no problem with Karma leading the team in the movie (it’s not like Sean Connery is in it and can’t take orders from a woman).

Evanna Lynch as Magma/Amara Aquilla

Magma’s backstory is kind of a mess. But, she can turn into and control lava and that’s kind of awesome. Plus, Lynch is so delightfully bizarre in the Harry Potter movies that I want her to get as much work as possible.

Chris Colfer as Cypher/Douglas Ramsey

I hate Cypher. Hate. He has a ridiculous power…the power of translating. Really? So, he’s C-fucking-3PO? The kid had no place in the field, no wonder he bought it in the comics. Anyway…I’m sure people will be clamoring for Warlock to show up eventually, so introducing Cypher somewhere in the first movie will make his sudden appearance in the Warlock sequel less jarring. And, I must admit, I do like this Colfer kid.

Jake Thomas as Legion/David Haller

I’m not sure if Legion was intended to be a main antagonist in the New Mutants comic…but, for some reason, when I think of Legion, I think of the New Mutants. This seems to be somewhat justified by the fact that the first arc of the new comic series focused on the return of Legion. Anyway…a mutant with multiple personalities, many with mutant powers of their own? Sounds cool to me. And, who knows, one of those personalities may manifest itself as a monstrous demon bear…

This Post Has Been Brought To You By The Letter “S”

So, Erin did a post where she listed ten things she likes that started with the letter “M”.  Not to be outdone, I asked her to assign me a letter so I could do a post of my own.  She gave me “S”…so, without further adieu, here are ten things I like starting with the letter “S”:

10. Science: It might not have been my best subject in school–I was more of an English and History kid–but I love science with a passion.  I really enjoy theoretical physics, paleontology, forensics, and evolutionary biology.

9. Sneakers: I like sneakers.  They’re comfortable.  I walk a lot and I think I might have some odd foot-related issues, so a comfy sneaker is the way to go.  I like nice, simple sneakers like Chucks, Vans or Airwalks, as opposed to the bulkier “space boot” sneakers.  I also like the Robert Redford/Ben Kingsley film Sneakers.

8. Superheroes: I like comic books, but that term gets wider and wider every year.  If I’m going to read a comic book, it better have superheroes.  There’s nothing I like more than reading (or watching or writing) stories about people who have extraordinary skills that they use to help people and/or fight evil.  Call me a sap, but I’m a sucker for that kind of concrete, black-and-white morality.

7. Stephen King: There are a bunch of reasons why I like Uncle Stevie.  First, he’s damned prolific.  Any writer would consider themselves lucky to publish a small fraction of the number of books and short stories that King has published.  Second, he loves his job.  The man writes because he likes it (when he “retired”, King said he’d still write every day, even if he didn’t publish any of it).  But, most of all, I like Stephen King because he proves that you can enjoy “highbrow” culture and “popular” culture equally.

6. Supernatural: As much as I like science, I think I like the other side of the coin a great deal more.  I love stories about ghosts, demons, witches, vampires, werewolves, and zombies–whether they’re straight fiction or historical documentaries about supernatural beliefs across different time periods and cultures (this is why I love Halloween so much, an endless supply of these shows on The History Channel).

5. Speculative Fiction: I almost never use this term myself, but it is a pretty good blanket term for the kinds of books, TV shows, and movies I like.  Plus, I don’t think it has the snobby, pretentious, douche-baggy tone that the phrase “genre fiction” has.

4. Star Wars: Given when I was born, I have a very strong childhood connection to Star Wars.  It was the first movie I remember seeing (I was actually allowed to stay up late and watch it on WHT…remember WHT?).  My earliest memory of Christmas involves Star Wars toys.  It was also my first exposure to world building.  And, even though I didn’t much care for the second trilogy, I’m still the first one to run out and buy the newest post-Jedi novel.

3. Spider-Man: There are two comic book characters I can recall liking since I was a wee little nipper.  One was Batman, the other was Spider-Man.  Somewhere, my mother has pictures of a 6-year-old me dressed as both (umm, separate pictures, not one picture where I’m dressed as Bat-Spider-Man…that would be weird).  Anyway, other than the fact that “Spider-Man” starts with an “S” and “Batman” doesn’t, the reason Spidey makes this list is because he is a geeky little kid who used his powers to fight evil (see #8 ) and Batman is a suave billionaire playboy…and, last time I checked, I was neither suave nor a billionaire.

2. Soup: I love soup.  There really isn’t a lot more I can add to that statement.  Doesn’t matter where it comes from: fancy restaurants, cheap delis, cans, pouches…I love soup, plain and simple.

1. Sherlock Holmes: I really wasn’t a big reader as a kid.  But, the first “adult” novel I ever read was The Hound of the Baskervilles.  It wasn’t long before I was reading every novel and story that Doyle wrote about “the world’s greatest consulting detective.”  I think I’ve read and re-read the Holmes stories more than anything else.  I also point to ol’ Sherlock as the genesis of my love (obsession?) with highly rational, yet socially retarded characters.

There you have it.  Want your own letter?  Just ask.

Wait…Do I Know You?

This 25 Things meme is all over Facebook.  I was hit with it a few times, but being the rebel that I am, I decided to post it here instead.  The “rules” state that I have to tag 25 people when I’m done, but I’m not going to.  If you want to post your own, go for it.  Hey, it’s all part of the whole rebel extravaganza.

1. I don’t always make the best first impression.  I’m shy and quiet and awkward when I first meet most people.

2. Sometimes I make references to test the intelligence of those around me (this probably has something to do with #1).

3. I have never stopped watching cartoons.

4. I love spicy food.  Like really spicy.  I like when I bite into something and it makes my eyes tear, my nose burn, and my teeth hurt.

5. I drink the equivalent of two full pots of coffee every day.

6. I’ve loved history since the 10th grade, when I took AP European History and an elective on WWII and the Holocaust.

7. I cook…not just for sustenance, but because I actually enjoy the process, but I also love crappy fast/instant food.

8. I’m confident in my abilities, but frequently think I’m not good enough.

9. I am afraid of heights and small boats.

10. If I collect a series of books, they must all have the same binding.  This means I’m usually at least a year behind on series.  So far, the only exception has been the Star Wars novels and Jim Butcher’s Dresden Files.

11. I don’t believe in guilty pleasures.  If I like a book, movie, song, or TV show, I see no reason to feel ashamed about it.

12. I’ve recently developed an affinity for sweater vests.

13. I really hate talking about myself (which is making this list a living nightmare).

14. I’ve been to London, but haven’t been to Canada or Mexico.

15. I’ve seen the original Star Wars trilogy so many times that I can listen to the soundtrack and name the movie, the scene, and recite the dialogue about 9 times out of 10.

16. I’m not sure if there’s a God, but I believe, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that there are ghosts, aliens, Bigfoot, and the Loch Ness Monster.

17. In 12th grade, I took AP English because a girl I had a crush on took it, too.

18. I’ve never lived any place other than New York City.  Furthermore, I’ve never lived in any borough except Brooklyn.

19. When I’m annoyed, I’m more likely to say “bugger” or “bollocks” than an American alternative.  The exception being “aw crap.”

20. I’ve liked writing and drawing for as long as I can remember.  When I was younger I wrote and illustrated a book about Ewoks.  About a year later, I wrote and illustrated the sequel.  I’m pretty sure my mom still has them somewhere.

21. I hate books, movies, and TV shows about effeminate, foppish, emo vampires.  Vampires are feral, parasitic corpses and should be treated as such.

22. I’ve always wanted to be a voice actor–like Mel Blanc, Daws Butler, or Rob Paulsen.

23. On more than one occasion, I’ve thought about what I’d have to do if I were forced to live on the run, Fugitive-style.

24. I’m not very good at traditional sports like baseball, basketball, or soccer, but I’m surprisingly good at pool and bowling.  (“Surprisingly good” is a relative term based solely on my aforementioned lack of standard athletic ability.)

25. Even though I’m a born and bred city kid, I’d love to be able to move to a secluded cabin in the wilds of Maine.

Four on the Floor #19: Sassy, Intelligent Heroines

The Situation: We all have our types, right?  Some guys go for the femme fatale or the Sex and the City-esque fashionista.  Some gals like bad boy bikers or tennis-playing preppies.  Me?  Well, I admit to enjoying the ass-kicking ladies.  But, when it all comes down to it, I’m a sucker for a sassy, intelligent gal.  (I’m actually a bit surprised it’s taken me this long to do this list…)

The Criteria: The ladies on this list may not be physically imposing–no Xenas, Buffys, or Wonder Women here–but they are far from helpless.  Like Robin Hood or Bugs Bunny, these gals use their intelligence and spunk to outwit their foes and save the day (which, of course, does not mean they don’t possess some additional powers or abilities).

1. Katherine “Kitty” Pryde

For me, Kitty is the Alpha and the Omega of sassy, intelligent female characters.  When she phased her way into our hearts, Kitty was the youngest member of the X-Men, but that never stopped her from pulling her weight.  A buddy of mine (who happens to be more of a femme fatale/’50s pin-up kinda guy) said he could never get behind Kitty because he felt she was created to be the kind of girl comic fans would dig–the smart, cute, spunky girl next door.  Um…duh.

2. Hermione Granger

Everyone was all about “The Boy Who Lived”, but poor little Potter wouldn’t have made it to the end of the first book without Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger.  Bookish, principled, and focused, Hermione had no problem bending (or, occasionally breaking) the rules to do the right thing.

3. Clarissa “Clary” Fray

Clary is just like every other shy, artistic fifteen year old in New York City.  What Clary doesn’t know is that she’s also a demon-killing Shadowhunter.  But, what she lacks in strength and training, Clary more than makes up for in wit, guile, and spunk.  It doesn’t hurt that she also happens to be a redhead.

4. The Joss Whedon Triumvirate (a.k.a. Willow Rosenberg, Winifred “Fred” Burkle, and Kaylee Frye)

Joss Whedon works in archetypes.  And, since he’s gone on record as being a huge fan of Kitty Pryde (hey, the man has taste), it should come as no surprise that the sassy, intelligent girl next door shows up in one form or another in each of his three series.  Whether it’s computer geek-turned-Wicca Willow Rosenberg, theoretical physicist Fred Burkle, or uber-mechanic Kaylee Frye, Whedon knows sassy and intelligent.

Top 10 Movies of 2008

Here comes my final Top 10 list of 2008.  In no particular order, these are the ten best movies that I saw in the theater during 2008 (a handful of them came out at the end of 2007, but were still playing well into 2008, so I think that counts).  I feel like I’ve seen less movies in the theaters this year, although it’s possible that I just saw less-than-stellar movies in the theaters. 

Disclaimer: The Dark Knight is not on this list.  Why?  Well, to be honest, I didn’t think it was all that good.  Yes, Ledger was awesome–his Joker is the only non-animated version of Mr. J that captured the character’s chaotic nihilism.  But, other than the Joker, I found the movie horribly dull.

 

1. Juno

 

There is absolutely no reason why I should have liked this movie.  It is nothing like the kind of movie I like.  There wasn’t a single giant robot, car chase, or zombie.  But, in spite of myself, I loved this movie.  I’m well aware that it has all to do with Michael Cera, J.K. Simmons and Ellen Page (mostly her, I think, since she pretty much looks like every girl I ever asked out in college).

2. Sweeney Todd

 

There are certain things that just work well together: Peanut butter and jelly, Jack and Coke, Riggs and Murtaugh.  Add to that list Johnny Depp and Tim Burton.  It really doesn’t take much to get Depp to throw on a silly costume and prance his pasty-faced ass around, talking in a funny accent.  Apparently, it does take some doing to get the guy to sing, though.  He does a pretty good job in this flick that blends another pair of things that go well together: revenge and cannibalism.

3. Iron Man

 

Yeah, I’m gonna say it: Iron Man was the best movie I saw last year.  It finally showed that making a good superhero movie is not rocket science, even when it happens to be about a guy who is (more or less) a rocket scientist.  Would it have been as good without Robert Downey, Jr. (in a role he was born to play)?  I’m not sure.  Thankfully, I won’t have to find out just yet.

4. Hellboy II: The Golden Army

 

Hellboy is probably my favorite comic book character.  Ever.  So, imagine how stoked I was when the first Hellboy came out and it starred Ron Perlman and was directed by Guillermo del Toro (the only guy who play HB and the only guy who could direct HB)?  Then, it kicked so much ass that it warranted a sequel.  Granted, the sequel is a little more del Toro-esque and less Mignola-y, but it’s still pretty sweet.

5. No Country for Old Men

 

I can’t imagine many people would fight me on putting No Country for Old Menon this list.  Movies rarely have a physical effect on me, but watching this actually made me tense, which is probably what the Coens were going for.  I would have preferred a little more of Tommy Lee Jones and his mildly retarded sidekick, Garret Dillahunt, but Josh Brolin’s mustache and Javier Bardem’s Michael Meyers-like Anton Chigurh more than make up for it.

6. Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead

 

Okay, so there’s this Indian burial ground, right?  And someone decides to build a fast food chicken restaurant on it, you with me?  Naturally the spirits of the dead Indians are going to raise up, infest the food, and turn everyone who eats it into chicken-zombies (not zombie-chickens…trust me, there’s a difference).  If you’ve never seen a Troma movie than this might not be for you.  But, if you like blood, violence, sex, harmless nudity, and lines like “I’ll believe in the supernatural when I see it, talking sandwich” and “The ninja is right”, Poultrygeist is probably right up your alley.

7. Tropic Thunder

 

I must have been a very, very good boy in 2007, because the gods saw fit to give me two movies starring RoDoJu.  And, to be honest, the only thing powerful enough to counteract my burning hatred of Ben Stiller and Tom Cruise is my love of how awesome Robert Downey, Jr. is. 

8. Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog

 

Most end-of-year talk about Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog refer to it in terms of television.  Personally, I think this little internet phenomenon has got “feature” written all over it.  Besides, Horrible is head and shoulders above most of the crap that the studios cranked out this past year.

9. The Incredible Hulk

Sure, Incredible Hulk is nowhere near as good as Iron Man.  But, it is way better than the first Hulk movie, and it’s even better than this year’s comic movie darling, The Dark Knight.  Norton made a pretty convincing Bruce Banner and the writers borrowed liberally from both the comic and the classic Bixby/Ferrigno TV series.  It almost makes me feel bad that Robert Downey, Jr. walks away with the movie with his ten second cameo (wait, that means this year had three RoDoJu movies!).

10. Cassandra’s Dream

 

Normally, I’m not a fan of Woody Allen movies.  They just never really did anything for me…most likely because the New York in Allen movies is not the New York I grew up in.  Mad Max is more like the New York I grew up in.  Anyway…I find that I enjoy Allen’s recent UK movies much more, and this one actually made me like Colin Farrell.

Top 10 Shows of 2008

Following on the heels of my Top 10 Books of 2008 comes this list of what I consider the ten best shows of 2008 (most of these did, in fact, debut in the 2008 calendar year…however, one or two have been on the air for a while).  So, in no particular order, here we go:

1. Leverage

 

Leverage premiered in early December, barely making the cut as a 2008 show, but I’ll be damned if it might not be the best show of the year (or, at the very least, my favorite show of the year).  Why?  A few reasons.  First, it stars Timothy Hutton who is, in no uncertain terms, 10 pounds of awesome in a 5 pound bag.  Second, the basic premise is totally up my alley: after getting screwed by the company he works for, a former investigator for an insurance company gathers a team of thieves and grifters to rob from the rich and powerful to help the helpless.  Bonus points for the limber, vaguely sociopathic blonde cat burglar.

2. Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

 

The first two Terminator movies might very well be the greatest pair of films ever made (and, yes, I’ll admit that I didn’t even hate the third one), but does that mean they’d translate well to the small screen?  Some people might say “no.”  However, I think Sarah Connor Chronicles is pretty good.  You can’t help but respect a show that (a) casts Summer Glau as a killer robot from the future, (b) casts Garret Dillahunt as anything, and (c) goes out of its way in the first episode to erase the third movie from existence (hint: it involves time travel, naturally).

3. The Office

 

Okay, I admit that for the last few years I’ve avoided the American version of The Office like a plague-invested village.  I really love the BBC version and the first few episodes of the American series were shot-for-shot copies that, in my opinion, just did not work.  But, after catching a few episodes on TBS, I decided to give it another shot…and, if you read this blog with any regularity, you know that I’m pretty much in love with this show now. 

4. Fringe

 

Fringe was probably the most hyped new show of the year for two reasons: J.J. Abrams is more or less a TV god these days and Fox was hoping this would recapture some of that old X-Files magic.  But, to tell you the truth, I had no desire to watch it.  So, with absolutely no expectations, I watched the pilot and was immediately won over by Joshua “Please don’t call me Pacey” Jackson, John “Boromir is dead?” Noble, and a cow.  Yes, I said “a cow.”

5. Ben 10: Alien Force

 

Alien Force is a sequel to Cartoon Network’s Ben 10, which was about Ben Tennyson, a ten year old who finds an alien device that allowed him to turn into ten different alien heroes.  This sequel series is set five years later, and Ben has to use a different set of aliens to find his missing grandfather and fight off an alien invasion of Earth.  Ben is aided by his cousin Gwen and former adversary Kevin Levin.  As much as I liked the original series, I think Alien Force is a vast improvement: the animation is cleaner and the writing is more mature (both in terms of basic plots and humor).

6. Crusoe

 

Crusoe fills a gap in network programming that has existed since the ’80s ended: the rippin’ yarn.  This is an adventure series, plain and simple.  If you want pirates, savages, muskets, swords, and gadgets made out of vines and bamboo, this is the show for you.

7. In Plain Sight

 

I’ve decided that there is a single reason that God invented cable television, and that reason is to have a place to produce and air shows like In Plain Sight.  Remember when there used to be shows about old ladies who solved murders, priests who solved crimes, and guys who hung out on boats with robots?  Those kinds of shows used to be all over TV.  Now, they can only exist on cable stations like USA or TNT.  In Plain Sight is a show like that.  It mixes action, suspense, and humor in careful balance.  Plus, it co-stars Paul Ben-Victor and Peter Weller’s cousin.

8. Flashpoint

 

It’s a scientifically proven fact that I love cop shows.  I can take or leave your basic doctor or lawyer show, but give me a cop show and I’ll follow you anywhere.  Flashpoint is a little different from your average cop show, though.  For starters, it’s made in Canada.  But, more importantly, it doesn’t follow your basic “let’s solve this crime that’s been committed” storyline.  The main characters on Flashpoint deal mainly with hostage situations, so you pretty much know “whodunnit” already.  Also, most episodes begin in medias res, with a member of the Strategic Response Unit trying to negotiate with the perp, and then flashback to see how we got there.

9. Eleventh Hour

 

Eleventh Hour is far from unique among the new shows for 2008.  First of all, like Life on Mars, it’s an American remake of a British series.  Second, it deals with similar pseudo-scientific situations like those found on Fringe.  Now, I’ve never seen the original BBC series, so I can’t really talk about the former statement; however, as to the latter, although Fringe and Eleventh Hour both deal with pseudo-science, the similarities more or less end there.  The science crimes presented on Eleventh Hour are played a little bit straighter than those on Fringe (no hot sauce-chugging bald guys or old ladies with robot hands on Eleventh Hour). 

10. Bones and NCIS

 

Neither of these shows premiered in 2008, but they each did something of note in this season.  Last season, Bones ended with the reveal that Brennan’s assistant, Zack Addy, was in league with the Gormogon serial killer.  This season, Zack is behind bars at an asylum and occasionally helps the team out Hannibal Lecter-style.  To find Zack’s replacement, a string of applicants have paraded through the Jeffersonian, including Brennan’s estranged father.  The writers could have pulled a House and turned this season into “The Quest for Zack’s Replacement”, but giving each potential replacement two or three episodes on their own to grow as characters was a great move–plus, it allowed the writers to examine the dynamics of the team through fresh eyes.

A few seasons back, the team on CSI was broken up into two different teams.  That lasted for most of the season.  This season, NCIS did something similar.  It lasted two episodes, and I’m not complaining.  I knew coming in that Gibbs wouldn’t rest until his team was reassembled.  What I never suspected was the real reason why his team was disbanded and that it would have repercussions throughout the entire season.  Oh, and we got to meet Gibbs’ dad this season.

Top 10 Books of 2008

As the year ends, people start rolling out their lists of the best whatevers of the year.  Why should I be any different?  So, like I did last year, I’ve compiled a list of the ten best books that I read in 2008 (even if they weren’t published in 2008).

1. The Chinatown Death Cloud Peril, by Paul Malmont

 

 

 

The reason I like reading historical fiction is the chance of seeing actual historical figures popping up in the story.  Sometimes it works; sometimes it doesn’t.  It works in Malmont’s novel, which tells the story of some of the greatest pulp authors of the ’20s and ’30s coming together to solve a mystery worthy of the Golden Age of Pulps.

2. City of Bones, by Cassandra Clare

 

 

 

I’d never have read City of Bones if it hadn’t been recommended to me.  I’m glad it was.  Clare’s novel–about a girl who finds herself thrust into a world of magic, demons, and demon hunters–appealed to the Buffy, Harry Potter, and Harry Dresden fan in me.  City of Bones is the first book of a trilogy, and I’ll be coming back for books two and three.

3. Vagabond, by Bernard Cornwell

The sequel to Cornwell’s The Archer’s Tale (which made last year’s list), continues the story of Thomas of Hookton, archer and unwilling seeker of the Holy Grail.  Again, Cornwell doesn’t skimp on the brutalities of war (and life) during the Hundred Years’ War. 

4. The Coming of Conan the Cimmerian, by Robert E. Howard

As a child of the ’80s, Conan the Barbarian and Conan the Destroyer have a certain place in my heart.  But, as much as I love these movies, they can’t compare to the original source material.  Howard’s Conan is the shit, pure and simple.  If Lord of the Rings is a classical symphony, than Howard’s Conan stories are thrash metal–Conan punches, strangles, stabs, or slices anyone (or anything) that gets in his way.  He’s also not above thieving or dallying with the occasional maiden.

5. The Wordy Shipmates, by Sarah Vowell

There’s a reason that Vowell’s book is the only piece of non-fiction on this list.  That reason is this: Sarah Vowell is awesome.  No, I’m serious.  As a history dork how could I not love Vowell’s historical dorkiness?  Plus, she’s not afraid to make liberal references to popular culture.  It also doesn’t hurt that she was the voice of Violet in The Incredibles.  This time around, Vowell turns her particular brand of historical analysis upon the founders of the Massachusetts Bay Colony.

6. DC: The New Frontier, by Darwyn Cooke

I’m not really sure where to start with Cooke’s New Frontier.  It’s the story of DC’s Silver Age heroes, with none of the “gee-whiz” nostalgia often ascribed to the era.  No, Cooke’s story is a Cold War story, with all of the paranoia one would expect from the McCarthy Era.  Also of note is Cooke’s art, which balances detail and economy of line.

7. White Night & Small Favor, by Jim Butcher

    

Butcher’s Dresden Files series is, hands down, my favorite book series currently in print (possibly of all time, I’ll get back to you on that).  These two titles, the most current of the series, continues the tale of Harry Dresden, Chicago’s only practicing professional wizard, as he deals with the escalating war between the wizards and the vampires, demons, faeries, as well as a possible traitor within the White Council, the governing body of the wizard community.  How much do I love these books?  Well, I broke my rule about not mixing paperback and hardcover books within a series and actually bought Small Favor in hardcover.

8. The Graveyard Book, by Neil Gaiman

Gaiman’s newest book tells the story of Nobody Owens, a boy raised by the ghosts of the eponymous graveyard.  Early reviews of the book described it as being a retelling of Kipling’s The Jungle Book.  Now, the only exposure I’ve had to Kipling’s stories is from the old Disney movie, but I think it’s a valid comparison–from Nobody’s stern guardian (clearly a revised Bagheera) to the menacing figure stalking the Owens boy (can you say “Shere Khan”?  I knew that you could).

9. The Shadow: Crime, Insured, by Walter Gibson & Doc Savage: Dust of Death, by Lester Dent

 

I’d heard about the re-issued Shadow and Doc Savage stories for a while, and I’d wanted to check them out.  Then I read Malmont’s Chinatown Death Cloud Peril, and I had to read them.  Both of these are just good, old-fashioned fun.  If you like a darker, noir-inspired crime story, check out The Shadow.  If two-fisted, globe-trotting do-goodery is more your speed, then you’ll love Doc Savage.  Hey, would I steer you wrong?

10. X-Men: Messiah CompleX, by Ed Brubaker, Mike Carey, Peter David, Craig Kyle, and Christopher Yost

I’d given up on the X-Men around the time that Grant Morrison was writing them.  I’d tried to keep up with the basic premise of what was happening, until I had enough of Marvel all together.  Then something funny happened: DC pissed me off and I gave Marvel a second chance.  I really liked what Brubaker was doing in Uncanny X-Men, so I thought I’d give Messiah CompleX a shot.  I wasn’t disappointed.  After the events of House of M, mutants are a species rapidly approaching extinction, until a mutant child is finally born.  That sets off a race to find the baby and, depending on who succeeds, either protect or destroy it.

Slashing Through the Snow, On a Single-Minded Slay…

I like It’s A Wonderful Life as much as the next guy, but there are so many overlooked Christmas movies out there.  Which one is your favorite?