I Don’t Care What You Think…

…this still makes me laugh like a 12-year-old…

Let’s RE-Cast…THE FANTASTIC FOUR

A few months back, Disney bought Marvel Entertainment. Almost as soon as this was announced, Fox announced plans to reboot its Fantastic Four franchise, which (in case you don’t know) is based on a Marvel comic about the greatest superhero team ever assembled. Ever. The first two movies weren’t exactly critical or financial successes–partially, I think, because the public is retarded and people think that every comic book is dark and broody, like Batman, or tackles serious social issues, like X-Men. Personally, I thought these two movies–despite less-than-perfect casting and occasionally shaky special effects–captured the light, sitcom-like feeling that Stan Lee and Jack Kirby intended when they created the characters over forty years ago. So, while Fox tries to crank out one more movie before they lose the film rights to Disney, I thought I’d give them a hand and cast the thing for them.

The Plot: First of all, DO NOT RETELL THEIR FUCKING ORIGIN!!! Comic book movies that simply tell the origin of the heroes are lame. You waste two-thirds of the movie watching characters wander around and talking about shit before you actually get to see a costume or a fight. Lazy writers produce scripts that simply rehash the origin. (The only exception is Iron Man…because, let’s be honest, we all want to watch a dude build robot suits.) The Fantastic Four have no secret identities, so you use the opening credits to show them on a talk show or something, where they are forced to tell the story of Reed Richards’ failed experiment in space travel and how they were bombarded by cosmic rays and gained superpowers. Done. Now, let’s punch some fuckers.

The Cast: Like I said, some of the casting of the actual FF movies sucked. Some did not. Ioaaiuen Gryffiphaueuoud (did I forget a vowel or two?) was horrible as Reed. And, are we supposed to believe that enough years separate Jessica Alba and Chris Evans for the Storm siblings to have actually developed a parent-child relationship?

THE MAIN CAST

Hugh Laurie as Mister Fantastic/Reed Richards

Hugh Laurie is awesome, which is really the only excuse you need to cast him in anything. However, we’ve also seen that he can play the smartest guy in the room on House. And, for those of you who don’t remember anything past the last three years, I’m here to tell you that Laurie can do much more than cranky asshole, he’d capture Reed’s absent-minded professor shtick without breaking a sweat.

Tricia Helfer as The Invisible Woman/Susan Storm Richards

This just in: people do not die at twenty-nine. I know, Hollywood, I know…it’s a shock. I can tell you’re surprised because none of your movies seem to star people in their thirties. Look, Reed’s an older dude and he met Sue when he was in college. Ignoring the fact that Helfer is just plain awesome, she’s also shown that she can project the combination of strength, brains, and beauty that we need for Sue.

Michael Chiklis as The Thing/Benjamin J. Grimm

and Chris Evans as The Human Torch/Johnny Storm

When a casting decision works, there’s no reason to change it just to be different. Chiklis was created by the hand of God to play Ben Grimm. As for Evans…well, to be honest, I was nervous when he was first cast, but damn did he nail Johnny. Plus, the chemistry between these two actors was just pitch-perfect.

Rutger Hauer as Doctor Victor von Doom

You can’t have a Fantastic Four movie without Doctor Doom. But, why anyone would think turning the super-awesome iron-clad despot of Latveria into a narcissistic corporate wanker is beyond me. Doom chills in a castle, not a penthouse.

FRIENDS/ALLIES

Traylor Howard as Alicia Masters

Alicia–the blind sculptor who wins Ben’s heart and shows him that no matter what he looks like on the outside, he’s still the same man on the inside–is as much a part of the team/family as anyone.

Chiwetel Ejiofor as The Black Panther/King T’Challa of Wakanda

Black Panther–who is, in actuality, King T’Challa of Wakanda–has been an ally of the Fantastic Four for years. As the Operative in Serenity, Ejiofor has shown a quiet nobility, strength of purpose, and an aptitude for choreographed fight scenes.

Lindy Booth as Frankie Raye

Frankie Raye and Johnny Storm dated for a while in the FF comics (leading to at least one joke about the song). Their relationship was a bit rocky, because Frankie was deathly afraid of fire. Of course, the reason she was afraid of fire was because she secretly had flame-based powers similar to the Human Torch. Lindy has three things going for her: she has action experience from her time on The Famous Jett Jackson, she’s Canadian, and she’s a redhead.

THE VILLAINS (There are enough kick-ass FF villains to populate three or four movies, without resorting to idiotic, pandering cloud-monsters in space.)

Clint Howard as Mole Man/Harvey Elder

Mole Man was the first villain that the Fantastic Four ever faced, waaaaay back in 1961’s issue #1. While he may not be as iconic an enemy as Doctor Doom, I think his place in the team’s history needs to be recognized. Plus, any excuse to put Clint Howard in a movie.

Temuera Morrison as Prince Namor of Atlantis

What’s the deal with Namor? Is he villain or ally? Both, maybe? Either way, he’s an arrogant douchebag who takes every opportunity to try and bag Reed’s wife. I have no other reason for choosing Morrison to play Namor other than Jango Fett was kind of an arrogant douchebag, too.

Nestor Carbonell as Diablo/Esteban Corazón de Ablo

Diablo is a 9th century alchemist who, after making a pact with a demon, is granted extreme longevity. Surviving to the modern day, Diablo uses his alchemical skills to try to conquer the world. I just like Carbonell, he was awesome as Batmanuel on The Tick.

Lee Arenberg as Red Ghost/Ivan Kragoff

Ivan Kragoff was a Soviet scientist who intentionally exposed himself and three research apes to cosmic rays, granting them all superpowers. I will repeat that, in case you missed it: Apes. With. Superpowers. He kind of looks the part, so I’d be willing to see if Arenberg could provide a passable Russian accent.

Brad Dourif as Puppet Master/Phillip Masters

With the ability to create puppets through which he can control the living (hey, I am not making this shit up), Puppet Master has frequently pitted the Fantastic Four against friends and allies, as well as each other. He also happens to be the adoptive father of Alicia Masters. Why Dourif? Well, he’s awesome. Also, he’s spent a large percentage of his career playing a doll, so I figured it was time he got a chance to pull the strings, as it were.

Billy Campbell as The Wizard/Bentley Wittman

With a near-superhuman level intellect, The Wizard frequently uses his genius and inventions to prove that he’s better than Mister Fantastic. He even went so far as to assemble his own team, the Frightful Four. There’s just something about Billy Campbell that says “I’m really smart, but also really fucking evil.”

Jeffrey Combs as Ulysses Klaw

Physicist Ulysses Klaw has had run-ins with the Fantastic Four and Black Panther on several occasions, eventually joining the Wizard’s Frightful Four. As a being composed of solid sound, Klaw can not only project deadly sonic blasts, but he is also super strong. As an actor who has reanimated the dead and aided super-powered abductees, I think Combs could do Klaw justice.

Zeljko Ivanek as The Trapster/Peter Petruski

Another member of the Frightful Four, the Trapster is an expert chemist whose suit allows him to project a variety of powerful adhesives and lubricants, which he uses to trap his adversaries. Ivanek recently appeared on Heroes as a government agent obsessed with hunting and trapping individuals gifted with special abilities.

Adam Baldwin as Hydro-Man/Morris Bench

The fourth member of the Frightful Four, Hydro-Man has the ability to transform his body into a water-like substance, as well as the ability to control nearby bodies of water. Hydro-Man is a big dude who’s somewhat lacking in intellect; Adam Baldwin is a big dude who plays characters of varying intellect.

Enter Sandman

So, I survived an unseasonably muggy Halloween night dressed as Golden Age comic hero Sandman.

Here’s the proof:

 

 

Let’s Cast…THE JUSTICE SOCIETY OF AMERICA

One of the things I like most about the DC Universe is the concept of the Legacy Hero. With the exception of the big guns like Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman, many of the identities of popular DC heroes have been used by multiple individuals over the years. The Justice Society of America best reflects this idea with stories about the older generations of heroes mentoring the younger heroes. So, inspired by news of a JSA episode of Smallville, I figured I’d cast a movie version.

The Plot: In the closing days of World War II, masked heroes Green Lantern, the Flash, and Wildcat uncover a plot by immortal mastermind Vandal Savage. While the rest of the world is focused on the events unfolding in Europe and the Pacific, these three heroes face and defeat Savage. Now, decades later, Savage has returned and the elder heroes must come out of retirement and lead their successors in a battle for the fate of humankind.

The Cast: The best thing about a Justice Society of America movie is that Hollywood will be forced to acknowledge that people live past the age of thirty. Let’s have some more mature actors open a can of whoop-ass.

Jamey Sheridan as Sentinel (Green Lantern)/Alan Scott

I’ve liked Jamey Sheridan since he played Randall Flagg in The Stand, then he popped up on Law & Order: Criminal Intent. Now the poor bastard is stuck on Trauma…give the guy a cape and a domino mask and let him kick some immortal ass as DC’s first Green Lantern.

John Wesley Shipp as The Flash/Jay Garrick

If you don’t understand why casting John Wesley Shipp to play the first Flash is the most awesomest idea ever, then you just haven’t been paying attention.

Jerry Doyle as Wildcat/Ted Grant

On Babylon 5, Doyle played the gruff, blue-collar security chief Michael Garibaldi. I think he’d be perfect as the gruff, blue-collar boxer/mystery man Wildcat. (As much as I love Doyle, it’s really too bad Lee Marvin isn’t still around to play Ted.)

Michael Shanks as Hawkman/Carter Hall

Yeah, I’m stealing this from Geoff Johns’ episode of Smallville. While I couldn’t give two shits about Hawkman, I love the idea of seeing Stargate SG-1’s Shanks play an archaeologist again…with wings and a mace to boot!

Katee Sackhoff as Power Girl/Kara Zor-L

With Battlestar Galactica over, I’m afraid Sackhoff may not get another chance to be a totally kick-ass action hero. Sure, she’ll be on the new season of 24, but it’s hard for anyone on that show to out-badass Bauer. Look at the hair…Katee as Kara seems like a good fit, let’s just alter that ridiculous costume a little bit, shall we? (Okay, just realized that this would be the second Kara that Sackhoff plays. Do it, Hollywood. Do it.)

Dule Hill as Mister Terrific/Michael Holt

Mister Terrific is the third smartest person in the DC Universe. Hill has played serious-smart (Charlie on The West Wing) and goofy-smart (as Gus on Psych), so I think he can handle Terrific’s intellect. Plus, he’d just look damned awesome in that mask and jacket.

Emmy Clarke as Stargirl/Courtney Whitmore

One of the comments I heard about the actress cast to play Stargirl on Smallville was that she was a little too “CW.” Court’s got a geeky, awkward thing that I think Monk’s Emmy Clarke could bring to the role.

Molly Quinn as Cyclone/Maxine Hunkel

The youngest member of the JSA, Max Hunkel is a bit of a motormouthed fangirl. While Quinn exudes poise as the daughter of bestselling novelist Richard Castle on Castle, she sure as hell looks the part.

Jensen Ackles as Sandman/Sanderson “Sandy” Hawkins

I can’t explain it…I just like Ackles. I think he’d have a blast playing the former sidekick-turned-hero. Plus, Ackles has shown he can convincingly solve a mystery or two on Supernatural.

Sean Bean as Vandal Savage

There’s just something about a Sean Bean villain. He’s a big dude and can be physically menacing, but there’s also a nobility about him, even as he’s threatening to shoot your wife/husband/daughter/father/best friend.

Let’s Cast…THE NEW MUTANTS

A while back, Disney bought Marvel and, once the nerds stopped their infernal bitching, they were able to read this story. Could we be getting a New Mutants movie? God, I hope so. I mean, I hate teenagers and most stories about teenagers, but I do love me some New Mutants. Maybe it’s because when I first started reading comics, the first team of New Mutants had just formed and they were only a little older than I was. Whatever, I don’t care. The fact is, they might be making a New Mutants movie. If nothing else, it will finally give Hollywood an excuse to cast a bunch of zygotes in a superhero movie.

The Plot: As always, let’s keep this shit simple. Someone–or something–has been terrorizing the southwestern states of the U.S. Now, this malevolent force is heading towards Boulder, CO,  where Dani Moonstar grew up. With the rest of the X-Men away doing something adult and boring (like fighting for their civil rights or some other lame-ass bullshit), it’s up to the junior varsity team to handle the situation. When the New Mutants investigate, they come face to face with the vicious Demon Bear.

The Cast: I know very little about actors born after 1990, so this wasn’t the easiest thing in the world for me to do. Also, even though this movie is part of the X-Men franchise, there will be no fucking Wolverine! Maybe…maybe…Patrick Stewart could show up in either the beginning or the end as Xavier, but I don’t want Hugh Jackman sniffing around anywhere near this set.

Bug Hall as Cannonball/Samuel Guthrie

I hated Cannonball for a long time. He always struck me as a Junior Cyclops, a nice guy but sorta dull and by-the-book. Lately, though, I’ve come around to liking the guy. To me, Cannonball’s defining characteristic is his height, and Bug Hall clocks in at around 6′ 2″. Plus, the kid’s from Texas and played Alfalfa in the Little Rascals movie, so I’m sure Bug could handle playing the son of a Kentucky coal miner.

Selena Gomez as Danielle “Dani” Moonstar

Selena plays a wizard or something on the Disney Channel, right? Okay, so playing a mutant shouldn’t be too much of a stretch. I wonder how she’d feel about learning how to use a bow and arrow…

Corbin Bleu as Sunspot/Roberto “Bobby” da Costa

I tried to find a young Brazilian actor who looked like he was capable of more than just standing around in his underwear and gazing dreamily into the camera. Didn’t work out too well. So, instead, I decided to find someone who looked like what I imagine Bobby would look like. That’s when I found Corbin.

Karen Gillan as Rahne Sinclair/Wolfsbane

Gillan’s a redhead and a Scot, can we do better than that? Now, for most of her appearances, Rahne sported a crew cut…but, when she returned to Xavier’s school after losing her powers, she had grown her hair out. Of course, she had also abandoned her usual shy, retired personality for one of mock-rebellion. I honestly don’t care is Gillan plays the role with long or short hair (although cutting that hair would be a crime), but I would prefer a Wolfsbane who was more mousy than brash.

Jessica Weixler as Magik/Illyana Rasputin

Magik’s kind of tricky. On one hand, she’s a mutant who can create discs that teleport herself and others across dimensions. On the other hand, she’s a half-demon sorceress and the ruler of Limbo. There’s also been that whole aging, de-aging, re-aging thing. Maybe this movie could briefly touch on Magik’s sorcery and then explore it more in a sequel. Either way, I think Weixler looks the part.

Kelly Vitz as Karma/Xi’an McCoy

Karma started off as the team leader, then “died” and was replaced by Cannonball. I’m only really familiar with the team under Sam’s leadership, but have no problem with Karma leading the team in the movie (it’s not like Sean Connery is in it and can’t take orders from a woman).

Evanna Lynch as Magma/Amara Aquilla

Magma’s backstory is kind of a mess. But, she can turn into and control lava and that’s kind of awesome. Plus, Lynch is so delightfully bizarre in the Harry Potter movies that I want her to get as much work as possible.

Chris Colfer as Cypher/Douglas Ramsey

I hate Cypher. Hate. He has a ridiculous power…the power of translating. Really? So, he’s C-fucking-3PO? The kid had no place in the field, no wonder he bought it in the comics. Anyway…I’m sure people will be clamoring for Warlock to show up eventually, so introducing Cypher somewhere in the first movie will make his sudden appearance in the Warlock sequel less jarring. And, I must admit, I do like this Colfer kid.

Jake Thomas as Legion/David Haller

I’m not sure if Legion was intended to be a main antagonist in the New Mutants comic…but, for some reason, when I think of Legion, I think of the New Mutants. This seems to be somewhat justified by the fact that the first arc of the new comic series focused on the return of Legion. Anyway…a mutant with multiple personalities, many with mutant powers of their own? Sounds cool to me. And, who knows, one of those personalities may manifest itself as a monstrous demon bear…

If I Ran Gotham City…

If you haven’t been paying attention to what’s been going on in DC’s Batman titles over the last few months, then you’ve missed what’s more or less been a game of Musical Cowls. All of the new faces in the Batcave got me thinking: what would be my dream Bat-team? Luckily, I have this blog, so I can write down my ideas and force you all to experience my brilliance.

Batman:

Yeah, there’s just no way around this: Bruce Wayne is Batman. I have no explanation for this, because there are certain truisms that just do not need to be explained. The Sun is hot. Water is wet. Bruce Wayne is Batman. Next!

Red Robin:

I really haven’t read a lot of Pre-Crisis comics, so I’m not at all familiar with the original Red Robin. However, I guess you can’t be a Boy Wonder forever…and, I guess Tim Drake has earned the right to adopt a new identity. Plus, the costume is kind of cool.

Nightwing:

Dick Grayson’s always fought to be his own man. From creating the Nightwing identity to moving to Bludhaven, Dick’s never wanted to live in his mentor’s shadow. So, while I get why he’d honor Bruce’s memory by wearing the cape and cowl, he’ll always be Nightwing to me.

Robin:

Fuck Damian Wayne. Now, I’ve always been a fan of Tim Drake’s Robin, but I’m willing to accept Tim in his new role as Red Robin. Therefore, we need someone else to fill the role of Batman’s sidekick. Honestly, why was Stephanie Brown only allowed to be Robin for about a minute and a half?

Batwoman:

I have absolutely no thoughts on Kate Kane being Batwoman one way or the other.

Batgirl:

While I’m pleased that Steph is getting to be the new Batgirl in the actual DC Universe–despite one of the lamest costume designs I’ve seen in a while–I’d much rather see her as Robin. I’m not sure Gotham needs a Batgirl and a Batwoman…and, for my money, Barbara Gordon will always be Batgirl. But, if I need someone in that identity, I don’t see why it shouldn’t be Cassandra Cain.

Gamma Ray Poisoning Added to List of Officially Recognized Disabilities?

“Hulk want seat…Hulk disabled. Hulk no want smash puny commuter.”

Just sayin’…

If Not For Brent Spiner, I’d Be Illiterate.

Okay, this is not entirely true. But, it’s pretty close.

Here’s the deal: I love to read. I’m always reading something. I can’t walk into a bookstore without walking out with something. As soon as I read the last sentence of one book, I immediately read the first sentence of another. But, when I was a kid, I hated to read. Hated it. Hated. If I had to write a book report in elementary school, I’d read the back cover and skim the first and last chapters to get a vague idea of what the book was about.

What the hell happened? you ask.

This happened:

I was a fan of Star Trek: The Next Generation. I recall seeing a handful of episodes from the original series on Saturday afternoons as a kid, but TNG was what really introduced me to the Trek universe. So, imagine my surprise when I came across this book. A novel. About the crew of the Enterprise. Holy shit, right? I devoured it, followed by several other ST:TNG novels. I was a reader…and it was all thanks to the media tie-in novel. (Okay, I think the Sherlock Holmes stories probably came first…but, otherwise I stand by the previous statements.)

From then on, if someone wrote a book based on a show or movie I liked, I’d usually check it out. I’ve read books based on The X-Files, Quantum Leap, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, various iterations of Star Trek, Farscape, Star Wars, and Indiana Jones. I’ve read books based on comic books, too. The medium doesn’t always translate well to straight prose…but, Andrew Vachss’ Batman: The Ultimate Evil stands out as being an excellent example of literature of any genre. On my bookshelves at the moment, I have tie-in novels of Bones and Criminal Minds waiting for me. I’m tempted to check out the novels based on Monk, Psych, and Burn Notice. I’d kill for novels based on the new Abrams-verse Star Trek or Leverage.

Why am I telling you all this? I don’t know…maybe because I can.

I Think I Still Prefer Robert Hays

This past month, the Fantastic Fangirls challenged themselves and their readers to try something new.  I decided to give DC’s Starman a go.  I was only familiar with Starman as a guest-star in numerous DC comics that I’ve read over the years (the team-up Starman had with Batman is the one that sticks out in my mind the most), but I’ve heard some good things from various people about the book.  People with fairly varied taste in comics all seem to like Starman…so, what the hell was I waiting for?

I tracked down a copy of Sins of the Father, a trade that collects the first six issues (#s 0-5) of Starman, written by James Robinson, with art by Tony Harris.  Now, while I didn’t really dislike the book, I can honestly say: I just don’t think Starman is for me.

In theory, I should have loved Starman.  Starman is one of DC’s legacy heroes, and I love DC’s legacy heroes.  Whether it’s the Flash family, the Green Lanterns, the Arrow clan…I love ‘em all.  But, something about the Knight family just rubs me the wrong way.  Ted Knight was the Golden Age Starman, protector of Opal City.  After he retires, his oldest son David inherits the mantle.  Then there’s Jack, the youngest of the Knight boys.  Jack is a stereotypical ’90s disaffected youth.  He runs a junk shop and doesn’t understand why his older brother runs around in long underwear.  Since this first trade is the origin of Jack as Starman, it doesn’t take long for David to be offed and Jack and his dad to get into that whole “I don’t wanna follow in your footsteps, I want to live my own life!” cliche.  Skip ahead, skip ahead, skip ahead.  Jack accepts his place as his father and brother’s successor and even realizes that when he was a little kid he really idolized his dad and wanted to be Starman.

I think one of the problems I had with Starman is that–at least for the first few issues–none of the Knights were the least bit likable.  In the beginning, Jack was kind of an obnoxious little prick who, whether he did it intentionally or not, never missed a chance to take a dig at his brother’s choice of vocation and, by extension, the work his father did back in the day.  David wasn’t around that long, but he came off as the type to rub his father’s love and attention in Jack’s nose every chance he gets.  And Ted?  Holy Jesus, Ted Knight makes Bruce Wayne look like Father of the Fucking Year.  After David gets killed, someone attacks both Ted and Jack.  Ted ends up in the hospital and, when his surviving son visits him, he basically yells at the kid for boring him with the story of his own survival while poor, poor, Plot Devi–err–I mean, David is dead.  That’s some good parenting right there, kids.

I did, however, really dig The Shade, an immortal shadow-manipulator who’s tangled with both the Silver and Golden Age Flashes before retiring to Opal City.  He’s in Opal because it’s “quiet.”  This is true, in essence.  Several characters mention that Opal City has almost no crime, especially nowhere near as much crime–regular or super–as either Metropolis or Gotham City.  Why, then, does it even need a costumed hero?  Anyway, the Shade just kind of wants to be left alone.  But, if something’s going down that may disturb the peace and quiet of his city, he’ll grab his top hat and walking stick (no shit, he has those) and get his hands dirty, which is how he ends up helping Jack track down the people responsible for his brother’s murder.

Then we have the O’Dares, a family of Irish cops.  The O’Dare brothers–and sister, Hope–have sworn to protect Starman, after Ted saved their father’s life back in the day.  In theory, I dig this kind of honor.  There’s a certain Old World nobility to it…or, maybe it just reminds me of a Wookiee Life Debt.  So, after all is said and done, the characters I like most in Starman are a family of Irish cops and a semi-reformed super-villain.

Maybe, at some point in the future, I’ll revisit Jack Knight and the Starman series.  But, until then, this is the only Starman for me:

What the Hell Am I Waiting For?

As part of another Mega-Blog Crossover Event, the Fantastic Fangirls have asked us to pick something we’ve been resisting to read over the years and give it a shot.  Sounds like a good idea to me.

I’ve decided to give Starman a shot.  A lot of people really like this series…but, for some reason, I’ve never felt the urge to pick it up.  Until now.

Forward…ever forward!