By Any Other Name, He’s a Groovy Dane

Pulled this out and thought I’d share it*:

 

Beo-WOOF**

 

SCENE 1:

 

Heorot, the great hall of HROTHGAR. The King of the Danes is seated upon his throne, AESCHERE is at his side. UNFERTH and the DANISH WARRIORS are milling about in typical Viking fashion.

 

HROTHGAR: (visibly upset) Oh, great gods of the North. Why have you forsaken your chosen people and sent this horrible beast to prey upon us?

 

AESCHERE: My Lord. (leans closer to HROTHGAR, as if whispering in his ear) Perhaps one of your warriors have done something to anger Odin and the gods. (HROTHGAR lifts a hand as if to swat AESCHERE away. AESCHERE cowers) My Lord, I mean no disrespect, but–

 

Funky ’70s music can be heard. HROTHGAR looks around confused. He claps his hands and two DANISH WARRIORS march off stage. They return seconds later with FRED, DAPHNE, VELMA, SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO. The funky music gets louder, than stops.

 

HROTHGAR: Who are these strange travelers who come before me?

 

FRED: Hey. My name’s Fred. My friends and I were on our way to a really groovy barn dance and our van broke down. Do you guys have a phone we can use to call for–

 

HROTHGAR: Groovy! Barn dance! Van! PHONE!! WHAT ARE THESE STRANGE WORDS!!??!! Who sent you?

 

SHAGGY: Like, no one sent us, man. Like Freddie said, our van like broke down a few miles down the road.

 

AESCHERE: Perhaps, my Lord, this van they speak of is some kind of chariot.

 

HROTHGAR: (considering AESCHERE’s words) Perhaps. If you be pilgrims in my land, than you are welcome to stay in Heorot for the night. But be warned, the Danes are a cursed people.

 

SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO: C-c-c-cursed!!!!!

 

VELMA: Relax you two chickens. Who are you?

 

UNFERTH: (stepping between HROTHGAR and the kids) This is our king and lord. Hrothgar, the great king of the Danes. And this is his glorious hall: Heorot.

 

SHAGGY: Zoinks! King of the Danes…like, wow! Scoob, you’re a Dane, like a Great Dane at that. (laughs)

 

SCOOBY-DOO: (laughs hysterically…than stops and considers the joke) Ry ron’t ret it.

 

HROTHGAR: This is no time to laugh, strange furry man. Heorot is a cursed hall.

 

DAPHNE: Cursed? How?

 

UNFERTH: Our mighty king is plagued by Grendel.

 

VELMA: What’s a Grendel?

 

UNFERTH: Grendel is a hideous creature who comes out of the blackness around Heorot and slays the king’s mightiest warriors in the night. He is a plague and blight. He can not be stopped. (turns to HROTHGAR) We must abandon Heorot now, my lord, while some of us still draw breath.

 

FRED: Sounds like you have a ghost on your hands.

 

SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO: (shuddering, holding each other) A g-g-g-ghost!

 

HROTHGAR: (waves a dismissive hand) Grendel is no ghost. He is a demon. Flesh and blood like you or I.

 

SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO: (still cowering) A d-d-d-demon!

 

VELMA: Are you sure it’s a demon? It might be a ghost.

 

DAPHNE: Velma’s right. Maybe it’s a ghost demon.

 

FRED: We’ve faced ghosts before. Maybe we can solve this mystery for you.

 

HROTHGAR: ’Tis no mystery. ’Tis a curse. You are welcome to spend the night in my hall, but beware the claws of Grendel when the sun sets. (claps his hands) Let the night’s feast begin! If we are to die tonight, let it not be of hunger.

 

SHAGGY: Like, did he say feast?

 

Lights fade to black.

 

 

SCENE 2:

 

Later that night. SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO are still wearing the napkins from dinner around their necks.

 

HROTHGAR: Now that the feast has ended, let us retire for the night. Sleep well my brave warriors.

 

HROTHGAR closes his eyes and sleeps on his throne. UNFERTH and AESCHERE curl up in front of the king’s throne. The DANISH WARRIORS sleep wherever they can find space.

 

FRED: Okay gang, let’s get some sleep. Shaggy, you and Scoob go sleep over there (points across the stage) and the girls and I will sleep here.

 

SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO start to cross the stage. SHAGGY stops and looks back at FRED, DAPHNE and VELMA.

 

SHAGGY: Like, wait a minute, Freddie. Like how come I always get stuck with Scooby and you get to sleep with the girls?

 

FRED: (diplomatically) Come on, Shag. Someone has to protect the girls from this ghost. Besides, Scooby is YOUR dog. (SHAGGY considers this) Now, get your skinny stoner ass over there with your mutt and let me and the girls get some…sleep.

 

 

Lights fade to black.

 

 

SCENE 3:

 

Middle of the night. The stage is dark and everyone appears to be sleeping.

 

DAPHNE: Ohhh, Freddie.

 

FRED: Mmmmm. That’s right, Daph. Yeah. You know what I like.

 

DAPHNE: Put it right there. Right. There. Don’t stop.

 

VELMA: Oh, yes Daphne. Oh god…that’s SO GOOD!

 

DAPHNE: You like that?

 

FRED, DAPHNE, and VELMA moan with pleasure.

 

A crashing is heard off-stage, followed by a vicious snarling and growling sound.

 

AESCHERE: MY LORD! GRENDEL APPROACHES!!!!

 

The lights come on. HROTHGAR tosses aside his blanket and teddy bear and looks around. UNFERTH and the DANISH WARRIORS get to their feet, weapons ready. SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO wake up first. Across the stage, FRED, DAPHNE and VELMA are hidden under a blanket.

 

HROTHGAR: Unferth, go and warn the others. Bring every able-bodied warrior to me.

 

UNFERTH: (bowing) Yes, my lord. (exits)

 

SHAGGY: Like, what’s going on, man?

 

HROTHGAR: It is Grendel. He comes.

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Rendel? Re rums??

 

SHAGGY: Like oh man. (SHAGGY takes a pipe out of his pocket. He and SCOOBY-DOO smoke a bowl) Like, zoinks, Scoob.

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Reah, Raggy. (giggles) Roinks.

 

FRED, DAPHNE and VELMA emerge from their blanket. Their clothes and hair are in disarray. DAPHNE is wearing VELMA’s glasses.

 

FRED: Shag. Scoob. What’s going on?

 

SHAGGY: It’s like…y’know…like that Grendel guy. He’s like…here, Freddie.

 

VELMA: Hey. (takes her glasses back from DAPHNE) Give me those. I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

 

DAPHNE: (real flirtatious) You didn’t have a problem finding my–

 

FRED: DAPHNE!!

 

DAPHNE: Oh…ahem…right. So, where’s this demon?

 

FRED: Ghost.

 

VELMA: Demon ghost.

 

DANISH WARRIOR 1: My lord! Grendel approaches!!

 

GRENDEL enters, shambling like a B-movie monster from the ’50s. SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO grab each other and shiver. HROTHGAR stands, weapon raised. The DANISH WARRIORS charge.

 

GRENDEL: (growling) Hrothgar…Hrothgar…Leave this place. (DANISH WARRIOR 1 attacks GRENDEL with a spear) Foolish Dane! (he knocks the WARRIOR down) No one can stop Grendel!

 

DANISH WARRIOR 2: My lord, we need more men!

 

HROTHGAR: (swinging his sword over his head) Where is Unferth?

 

GRENDEL grapples with the remaining DANISH WARRIORS. SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO run around the stage in various directions. They finally hide behind the throne.

 

AESCHERE: (from behind the throne) Hey…get out of here. This is my hiding place.

 

SHAGGY: Like, relax, man. There’s plenty of room.

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Reah. Renty of room.

 

DANISH WARRIOR 2: Take that foul beast! (thrusts his spear at GRENDEL)

 

GRENDEL: (grabs his side) Ow…you sonuva–I, ah, I mean GROWL!! ROAR!! GRRRRrrrrrrrr!!

 

FRED: Hmmmm.

 

GRENDEL: GRENDEL WILL FEAST ON YOUR FLESH! CHEW ON YOUR BONES! WEAR YOUR SLIMY ENTRAILS AS A SCARF!! Ummm…USE YOUR STOMACH AS A HAT!!…yeah.

 

HROTHGAR: KEEP FIGHTING MEN!!

 

DANISH WARRIOR 3 and 4: DIE DEMON!!!! (both WARRIORS charge GRENDEL with their spears)

 

GRENDEL: (stumbling backwards) Oww…quit it. (pausing, as if remembering something) GRRRR. GROOOOOWL. ROAR!

 

SHAGGY: Like, what’s going on out there, Scoob.

 

GRENDEL lopes towards the throne.

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Ry ron’t row, Raggy.

 

SHAGGY: Like, why don’t ya take a look, pal.

 

SCOOBY-DOO peeks out from behind the throne just as GRENDEL reaches it.

 

SCOOBY-DOO: (waving sheepishly at GRENDEL) Heh heh…rello.

 

GRENDEL: GRRRRRR! (knocks throne over and reaches for SHAGGY, SCOOBY-DOO and AESCHERE)

 

SHAGGY: Zoinks! (He and SCOOBY-DOO jump up and run)

 

GRENDEL grabs AESCHERE by the legs and drags him off stage

 

DANISH WARRIOR 2: (lifting spear triumphantly) Run, foul creature.

 

DANISH WARRIOR 4: Think twice before invading the hall of King Hrothgar, creature.

 

DANISH WARRIOR 3: Umm…yeah…we RULE!

 

HROTHGAR: (adjusting his crown) Yes, my mighty warriors. You did well. Such strength. Such bravery. However, one of your number has fallen (points to DANISH WARRIOR 1 laying on the stage) and my trusted advisor has been taken.

 

UNFERTH enters, running. He is panting, out of breath.

 

HROTHGAR: Unferth! Where in the realm of Midgard have you been?

 

UNFERTH: (still panting) I am sorry, my lord. I was attacked from behind by the beast. By the time I came to, I heard your cheers of victory.

 

FRED: Hmmm.

 

DAPHNE: That’s the second time you said that.

 

FRED: Something doesn’t feel right.

 

VELMA: Jinkies. (points to the floor) Look you guys. (bends down and picks up a scrap of paper)

 

DAPHNE: What is it baby…I–uh–I mean, Velma.

 

VELMA: (studying paper) It’s a torn piece of paper…I’m not sure, but it looks like it came from a set of blueprints.

 

FRED: Hmmm.

 

VELMA and DAPHNE: STOP THAT!

 

FRED: Oh. Sorry. But I think I’ve finally gotten to the bottom of this little mystery.

 

HROTHGAR: ’Tis no mystery! ’Tis a curse!

 

FRED: Whatever. Come on, gang. I have an idea.

 

FRED, DAPHNE, VELMA, SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO exit. Lights fade to black.

 

 

SCENE 4:

 

The stage is empty. FRED, DAPHNE, VELMA, SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO enter.

 

FRED: Come on, Scoob. It’ll be easy.

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Ruh-uh.

 

VELMA: (holding up a box) Will you do it for a Scooby-Snack?

 

SCOOBY-DOO: (shakes his head) Ro.

 

VELMA: Two Scooby-Snacks?

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Rope.

 

FRED: Okay, Scoob. What DO you want? The whole box?

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Ruh-uh. (looks at DAPHNE, nods his head and pants)

 

DAPHNE: Oh no. No way, you little freak! (SCOOBY-DOO snickers) NO WAY IN HELL!!

 

SHAGGY: Like, if you’re offering Daph, I’ll, like, do it instead of Scoob.

 

DAPHNE: (hiding her face in her hands) Oh God…why me…WHY??

 

FRED: (whispering to DAPHNE) Relax, babe. Scooby’s neutered. Besides, Velma and I will make it up to you later.

 

DAPHNE sobs quietly as lights fade to black.

 

 

 

 

SCENE 5:

 

The following night. The stage is dimly lit. HROTHGAR and the DANISH WARRIORS are asleep. Snarling is heard off-stage, followed by the same crashing heard the night before.

 

GRENDEL enters.

 

GRENDEL: GRRR! ROAR! I AM GRENDEL. DEMON-SPAWN OF CAIN!! (GRENDEL grabs the nearest WARRIOR) Come with me mighty Dane.

 

(The lights come on to reveal that the WARRIOR is actually SCOOBY-DOO wearing a fake beard and a Viking helmet)

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Rurprise! (he licks GRENDEL)

 

GRENDEL: AHH!!

 

FRED: (from off-stage) NOW!

 

(DAPHNE and VELMA charge onto the stage and throw a net over GRENDEL)

 

GRENDEL: (struggling under the net) GRRR! I am Grendel! No mortal man can stop–

 

DAPHNE: (kicks GRENDEL) Oh, knock it off!

 

FRED enters.

 

DAPHNE: We got him, Fred.

 

FRED: Good job, gang. Uh…wait a minute…where’s Shaggy?

 

SHAGGY enters, a little unsteadily. He’s munching a bag of chips.

 

SHAGGY: Like sorry, gang. Got a little, like, y’know, distracted. Some of these wooden walls are, like, reeeeeally interesting.

 

HROTHGAR gets off his throne and approaches the captured GRENDEL. The DANISH WARRIORS follow.

 

HROTHGAR: Good work, brave travelers. However, my trusted Aeschere remains lost to us.

 

FRED: (arrogantly) Not exactly, Your Highness. Scoob.

 

SCOOBY-DOO runs off-stage, barking. He returns, dragging AESCHERE by his pants, or whatever it is Vikings wear.

 

HROTHGAR: Oh, by Odin’s mercy! Aeschere, my trusted advisor. You have been spared! Unferth! Unferth, come and see how Aeschere has survived his ordeal… (looking around) Unferth, where have you gone?

 

VELMA: (to HROTHGAR) You’re really very stupid, aren’t you?

 

HROTHGAR: I do not understand what you mean.

 

FRED: Aeschere is part of this. He’s Grendel’s partner.

 

HROTHGAR and the DANISH WARRIORS laugh hearty Viking laughs.

 

HROTHGAR: (still chuckling) I will never believe that.

 

AESCHERE: (sniveling like any self-respecting sycophant) My lord. Do not believe these strangers. They are servants of Loki. I had nothing to do with this. It was all him…all his idea…

 

Fade to black.

 

 

SCENE 6:

 

AESCHERE and GRENDEL are tied up together. FRED, DAPHNE, VELMA, SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO stand next to them. HROTHGAR looks on, obviously confused. The SHERIFF and his three DEPUTIES complete the group.

 

FRED: Here you go, Sheriff. Grendel and his partner.

 

VELMA: And, if I’m not mistaken, you’ll find that Grendel really isn’t a demon.

 

HROTHGAR: Of course he is a demon. He was sent by the gods to curse me and my great hall. He–

 

DAPHNE: Stop! Okay, just stop.

 

VELMA: (taking off GRENDEL’s mask and revealing it to be UNFERTH) See. It was a mask all along. Unferth and Aeschere were trying to scare everyone out of Heorot.

 

HROTHGAR: That can not be. Aeschere and Unferth were both in my hall when Grendel appeared.

 

FRED: No. They were in your hall when you first heard Grendel. You sent Unferth for help, remember?

 

SHAGGY: And that’s when he, like, put on his Grendel costume.

 

HROTHGAR: But how did we hear the creature if both of them were in my hall?

 

VELMA: With this. (reaches into AESCHERE’s clothes and pulls out a tape-recorder) Listen. (pushes button on the tape-recorder and the crashing and snarling noises are heard) Aeschere played the tape before each attack and then Unferth would run out to put on his costume.

 

HROTHGAR: But, Unferth was attacked by the beast.

 

FRED: (to HROTHGAR) God, you’re so fucking stupid! If Grendel wanted to kill your people, why did he just knock Unferth out and leave him? Huh? Why?

 

HROTHGAR: (a little befuddled) Well, Unferth is a brave and noble warrior. The demon was obviously frightened by his might and valor.

 

SHERIFF: Okay. So Unferth and Aeschere were partners in this whole Grendel business. But why?

 

VELMA: That’s easy Sheriff. (hands him the scrap of paper) Unferth dropped this during last night’s fight. It’s a blueprint…or a piece of one, at least.

 

SHERIFF: Blueprint, huh?

 

VELMA: Yes. For a Starbuck’s. The Starbuck’s corporation has been trying to break into the Danish market for sometime. They figure Vikings just can’t resist a moccachino. Aeschere knew that Starbuck’s tried to buy the land Heorot was built on from Hrothgar, but he wouldn’t sell.

 

SHAGGY: Right. So, like, Aeschere and Unferth cooked up this whole scheme to, like, scare Hrothgar away. Then they’d, like, sell the land to Starbuck’s.

 

DAPHNE: And make a fortune.

 

UNFERTH: And we would have gotten away with it, too, if–

 

FRED: Don’t. Don’t say it.

 

UNFERTH: (pleading) Oh come on…everyone else got to say it. Why can’t I? It’s not fair…it’s not–

 

FRED: Okay. Say it. But make it quick.

 

UNFERTH: (pleased with himself) Ahem…we would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids and your nosey dog.

 

SHERIFF and his DEPUTIES take UNFERTH and AESCHERE off-stage.

 

HROTHGAR: How can I ever repay you, strange travelers. You have saved my kingdom.

 

FRED: Don’t worry about it, Hrothgar. It’s what we do.

 

HROTHGAR: Well, my friends. You are welcome to return to my great hall whenever you please. You will be treated as the brave and noble warriors that you are.

 

SHAGGY: Hey, like, thanks.

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Reah. Ranks.

 

HROTHGAR: No. Thank you, Scooby-Doo. I may be the King of the Danes, but you, Scooby-Doo, are truly a GREAT DANE.

 

FRED, DAPHNE, VELMA, SHAGGY, SCOOBY-DOO and HROTHGAR all laugh as the lights fade to black.

========================================

*: That’s what she said.

**: I neither own, nor claim to own, any of the characters used in this piece. Except the Sheriff. He was all mine.

I Don’t Care What You Think…

…this still makes me laugh like a 12-year-old…

Let’s RE-Cast…THE FANTASTIC FOUR

A few months back, Disney bought Marvel Entertainment. Almost as soon as this was announced, Fox announced plans to reboot its Fantastic Four franchise, which (in case you don’t know) is based on a Marvel comic about the greatest superhero team ever assembled. Ever. The first two movies weren’t exactly critical or financial successes–partially, I think, because the public is retarded and people think that every comic book is dark and broody, like Batman, or tackles serious social issues, like X-Men. Personally, I thought these two movies–despite less-than-perfect casting and occasionally shaky special effects–captured the light, sitcom-like feeling that Stan Lee and Jack Kirby intended when they created the characters over forty years ago. So, while Fox tries to crank out one more movie before they lose the film rights to Disney, I thought I’d give them a hand and cast the thing for them.

The Plot: First of all, DO NOT RETELL THEIR FUCKING ORIGIN!!! Comic book movies that simply tell the origin of the heroes are lame. You waste two-thirds of the movie watching characters wander around and talking about shit before you actually get to see a costume or a fight. Lazy writers produce scripts that simply rehash the origin. (The only exception is Iron Man…because, let’s be honest, we all want to watch a dude build robot suits.) The Fantastic Four have no secret identities, so you use the opening credits to show them on a talk show or something, where they are forced to tell the story of Reed Richards’ failed experiment in space travel and how they were bombarded by cosmic rays and gained superpowers. Done. Now, let’s punch some fuckers.

The Cast: Like I said, some of the casting of the actual FF movies sucked. Some did not. Ioaaiuen Gryffiphaueuoud (did I forget a vowel or two?) was horrible as Reed. And, are we supposed to believe that enough years separate Jessica Alba and Chris Evans for the Storm siblings to have actually developed a parent-child relationship?

THE MAIN CAST

Hugh Laurie as Mister Fantastic/Reed Richards

Hugh Laurie is awesome, which is really the only excuse you need to cast him in anything. However, we’ve also seen that he can play the smartest guy in the room on House. And, for those of you who don’t remember anything past the last three years, I’m here to tell you that Laurie can do much more than cranky asshole, he’d capture Reed’s absent-minded professor shtick without breaking a sweat.

Tricia Helfer as The Invisible Woman/Susan Storm Richards

This just in: people do not die at twenty-nine. I know, Hollywood, I know…it’s a shock. I can tell you’re surprised because none of your movies seem to star people in their thirties. Look, Reed’s an older dude and he met Sue when he was in college. Ignoring the fact that Helfer is just plain awesome, she’s also shown that she can project the combination of strength, brains, and beauty that we need for Sue.

Michael Chiklis as The Thing/Benjamin J. Grimm

and Chris Evans as The Human Torch/Johnny Storm

When a casting decision works, there’s no reason to change it just to be different. Chiklis was created by the hand of God to play Ben Grimm. As for Evans…well, to be honest, I was nervous when he was first cast, but damn did he nail Johnny. Plus, the chemistry between these two actors was just pitch-perfect.

Rutger Hauer as Doctor Victor von Doom

You can’t have a Fantastic Four movie without Doctor Doom. But, why anyone would think turning the super-awesome iron-clad despot of Latveria into a narcissistic corporate wanker is beyond me. Doom chills in a castle, not a penthouse.

FRIENDS/ALLIES

Traylor Howard as Alicia Masters

Alicia–the blind sculptor who wins Ben’s heart and shows him that no matter what he looks like on the outside, he’s still the same man on the inside–is as much a part of the team/family as anyone.

Chiwetel Ejiofor as The Black Panther/King T’Challa of Wakanda

Black Panther–who is, in actuality, King T’Challa of Wakanda–has been an ally of the Fantastic Four for years. As the Operative in Serenity, Ejiofor has shown a quiet nobility, strength of purpose, and an aptitude for choreographed fight scenes.

Lindy Booth as Frankie Raye

Frankie Raye and Johnny Storm dated for a while in the FF comics (leading to at least one joke about the song). Their relationship was a bit rocky, because Frankie was deathly afraid of fire. Of course, the reason she was afraid of fire was because she secretly had flame-based powers similar to the Human Torch. Lindy has three things going for her: she has action experience from her time on The Famous Jett Jackson, she’s Canadian, and she’s a redhead.

THE VILLAINS (There are enough kick-ass FF villains to populate three or four movies, without resorting to idiotic, pandering cloud-monsters in space.)

Clint Howard as Mole Man/Harvey Elder

Mole Man was the first villain that the Fantastic Four ever faced, waaaaay back in 1961’s issue #1. While he may not be as iconic an enemy as Doctor Doom, I think his place in the team’s history needs to be recognized. Plus, any excuse to put Clint Howard in a movie.

Temuera Morrison as Prince Namor of Atlantis

What’s the deal with Namor? Is he villain or ally? Both, maybe? Either way, he’s an arrogant douchebag who takes every opportunity to try and bag Reed’s wife. I have no other reason for choosing Morrison to play Namor other than Jango Fett was kind of an arrogant douchebag, too.

Nestor Carbonell as Diablo/Esteban Corazón de Ablo

Diablo is a 9th century alchemist who, after making a pact with a demon, is granted extreme longevity. Surviving to the modern day, Diablo uses his alchemical skills to try to conquer the world. I just like Carbonell, he was awesome as Batmanuel on The Tick.

Lee Arenberg as Red Ghost/Ivan Kragoff

Ivan Kragoff was a Soviet scientist who intentionally exposed himself and three research apes to cosmic rays, granting them all superpowers. I will repeat that, in case you missed it: Apes. With. Superpowers. He kind of looks the part, so I’d be willing to see if Arenberg could provide a passable Russian accent.

Brad Dourif as Puppet Master/Phillip Masters

With the ability to create puppets through which he can control the living (hey, I am not making this shit up), Puppet Master has frequently pitted the Fantastic Four against friends and allies, as well as each other. He also happens to be the adoptive father of Alicia Masters. Why Dourif? Well, he’s awesome. Also, he’s spent a large percentage of his career playing a doll, so I figured it was time he got a chance to pull the strings, as it were.

Billy Campbell as The Wizard/Bentley Wittman

With a near-superhuman level intellect, The Wizard frequently uses his genius and inventions to prove that he’s better than Mister Fantastic. He even went so far as to assemble his own team, the Frightful Four. There’s just something about Billy Campbell that says “I’m really smart, but also really fucking evil.”

Jeffrey Combs as Ulysses Klaw

Physicist Ulysses Klaw has had run-ins with the Fantastic Four and Black Panther on several occasions, eventually joining the Wizard’s Frightful Four. As a being composed of solid sound, Klaw can not only project deadly sonic blasts, but he is also super strong. As an actor who has reanimated the dead and aided super-powered abductees, I think Combs could do Klaw justice.

Zeljko Ivanek as The Trapster/Peter Petruski

Another member of the Frightful Four, the Trapster is an expert chemist whose suit allows him to project a variety of powerful adhesives and lubricants, which he uses to trap his adversaries. Ivanek recently appeared on Heroes as a government agent obsessed with hunting and trapping individuals gifted with special abilities.

Adam Baldwin as Hydro-Man/Morris Bench

The fourth member of the Frightful Four, Hydro-Man has the ability to transform his body into a water-like substance, as well as the ability to control nearby bodies of water. Hydro-Man is a big dude who’s somewhat lacking in intellect; Adam Baldwin is a big dude who plays characters of varying intellect.

National Novel Writing Month: Week 1

So, Ashley has (repeatedly) asked me to blog more often. And, since she’s been pretty sick this past week, I thought the very least I could do was give her something to read.

Some of you may be aware that November is “National Novel Writing Month”–or, for those who are too fucking important to take the time to say the whole thing: NaNoWriMo. The basic idea is a whole bunch of people (only in the United States, I would assume, since it’s called “National”…if some of our friends in other countries are participating, mayhaps we should change the name, no?) pledge to write a brand-spanking-new novel of 50,000 words or more during the month of November. The idea is quantity, not quality. I’m pretty sure people who expect that they’ll craft the “Great American Novel that encapsulates the hopes, dreams, cares, and fears of an entire generation” crash and burn around the 13th.

I was going to participate last year, except I spent the first few days of November with my head in the toilet, which had a serious effect on my motivation. But, this year, I managed to get the ball rolling. Even managed to log about 8800 words in the first week. More importantly, I learned a few things:

1. My characters tend to swear. A lot. I came to this realization when I toyed with the idea of turning the thing into a YA novel. Still not 100% positive if I want it to be YA or not…which leads me to…

2. You can not, convincingly, portray a bunch of teenagers going off on globetrotting adventures. Even if an adult is present. Even if that adult is a legitimate parent or guardian (although, in my case, it was not). Maybe…maybe…said adventure could take place over the summer, but that’s pretty much it.

3. If I write a scene with someone wandering around sewer tunnels, they will fall in. At least once.

4. Writing scenes out of order is not as gut-wrenchingly terrifying as I thought. This may not be a big revelation for some people, but I’m a little bit OCD, so the thought of writing out of order fills me with dread. But, y’know what, it isn’t that bad. I might have to do it more often. (Update: I will probably not be doing this more often.)

 

That’s it for now. More next week. Maybe…

Enter Sandman

So, I survived an unseasonably muggy Halloween night dressed as Golden Age comic hero Sandman.

Here’s the proof:

 

 

Happy Halloween!!

Truly the greatest time of the year…

 

 

 

#FridayFlash: Ragnarok

This will, most likely, be my last FridayFlash post until December…what with the insanity of NaNoWriMo and all.

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RAGNAROK

He wasn’t paranoid. He was smart. Careful. When you made a living doing the things Lukas Eriksen did, you had to be smart. That’s why almost no one knew Lukas’ real name.

Most people—clients and law enforcement agencies alike—knew him only as Ragnarok. They would never know his name or what he looked like. To his clients, he was an email address and PayPal account. To his victims, he was a vengeful digital god, laying waste to their finances and secrets. As far as either side was concerned, he ruled cyberspace.

The Internet was an amazing thing. The entire world laid out before you, everything from shopping to music to porn. Anything a person could possibly want was there for the taking. Even information—especially personal information like birthdates, Social Security Numbers, and bank account information. There was a reason Internet crime was a growing business, why the spammers, scammers, and phishers continued to return to the well again and again.

And these hackers and identity thieves were good. Damned good. But, Lukas was better. Much better. He could see the data. Actually see it. And not as a bunch of squiggly green crap like in The Matrix. No. The data spoke to him, told him things, and would bend to his will. Passwords and encryption meant nothing when you could simply ask the information to reveal itself.

Sometimes the information would tell him things without being asked: what stocks would tank or the name of the underage girl spending time at the home of a U.S. Senator when his wife and kids were out-of-town.

Or when to run.

Someone, somewhere knew about him. Knew what he was and what he could do. That’s what the data told him. It wasn’t more specific, which was odd. Whoever it was had a way of securing information that was beyond even Lukas’ abilities. Normally, he would have tried to dig deeper, to coax the information out of the digital ether. However, the data was urging him to go. Practically shouting.

He left everything behind. One of the benefits of being a technopathic hacker is that hardware is optional. In fact, whoever was after him would probably wast precious hours trying to find useful information on the laptop and flash drives he had left behind in the rundown hotel room.

Lukas bypassed the smoky, poorly lit lobby by “asking” the emergency exit to open without triggering the alarm, allowing him to sneak out through the alley that ran between the hotel and the businesses on the next block over.

Pausing at the mouth of the alley, Lukas reached into the pocket of his denim jacket. His fingers curled around the phone he carried there as he considered checking the data again. Maybe there would be more information now. But, if there wasn’t, he’d be wasting time. Time he might not have.

Lukas stepped out of the protection afforded by the deep shadows between the buildings. This was far from the “nice part of town”, and several of the streetlights were out, adding to the darkness. If there had been more light, it was possible Lukas would have seen the massive wolf before it attacked. Lukas turned just in time to see a reddish-brown form descending upon him. There was a momentary flash of yellow eyes and white teeth before all went dark.

####

“That’s right. Got him.” Brendan Frost spoke softly, confident that the hands-free transceiver in his watch was transmitting his words loud and clear. “Nope, no one saw. And, even if they did, this isn’t exactly a Good Samaritan kind of neighborhood.”

Brendan had pulled the unconscious form of Lukas Eriksen back into the alley before checking in. He knew no one would even think about calling the police—not in this part of town—but, there was no reason to tempt fate. Eriksen would probably be out long enough for the Doc’s associates to come and pick him up. And, if he happened to wake up early, Brendan would be there to make sure he took another nap.

“I don’t think so,” he said. “This guy isn’t really a fighter. Right. I’ll be here when they arrive.”

Brendan signed off. He stretched his arms over his head and stifled a yawn. It was late and he was tired. But, more importantly, he really wanted a drink to wash the taste of denim out of his mouth.

Let’s Cast…THE JUSTICE SOCIETY OF AMERICA

One of the things I like most about the DC Universe is the concept of the Legacy Hero. With the exception of the big guns like Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman, many of the identities of popular DC heroes have been used by multiple individuals over the years. The Justice Society of America best reflects this idea with stories about the older generations of heroes mentoring the younger heroes. So, inspired by news of a JSA episode of Smallville, I figured I’d cast a movie version.

The Plot: In the closing days of World War II, masked heroes Green Lantern, the Flash, and Wildcat uncover a plot by immortal mastermind Vandal Savage. While the rest of the world is focused on the events unfolding in Europe and the Pacific, these three heroes face and defeat Savage. Now, decades later, Savage has returned and the elder heroes must come out of retirement and lead their successors in a battle for the fate of humankind.

The Cast: The best thing about a Justice Society of America movie is that Hollywood will be forced to acknowledge that people live past the age of thirty. Let’s have some more mature actors open a can of whoop-ass.

Jamey Sheridan as Sentinel (Green Lantern)/Alan Scott

I’ve liked Jamey Sheridan since he played Randall Flagg in The Stand, then he popped up on Law & Order: Criminal Intent. Now the poor bastard is stuck on Trauma…give the guy a cape and a domino mask and let him kick some immortal ass as DC’s first Green Lantern.

John Wesley Shipp as The Flash/Jay Garrick

If you don’t understand why casting John Wesley Shipp to play the first Flash is the most awesomest idea ever, then you just haven’t been paying attention.

Jerry Doyle as Wildcat/Ted Grant

On Babylon 5, Doyle played the gruff, blue-collar security chief Michael Garibaldi. I think he’d be perfect as the gruff, blue-collar boxer/mystery man Wildcat. (As much as I love Doyle, it’s really too bad Lee Marvin isn’t still around to play Ted.)

Michael Shanks as Hawkman/Carter Hall

Yeah, I’m stealing this from Geoff Johns’ episode of Smallville. While I couldn’t give two shits about Hawkman, I love the idea of seeing Stargate SG-1’s Shanks play an archaeologist again…with wings and a mace to boot!

Katee Sackhoff as Power Girl/Kara Zor-L

With Battlestar Galactica over, I’m afraid Sackhoff may not get another chance to be a totally kick-ass action hero. Sure, she’ll be on the new season of 24, but it’s hard for anyone on that show to out-badass Bauer. Look at the hair…Katee as Kara seems like a good fit, let’s just alter that ridiculous costume a little bit, shall we? (Okay, just realized that this would be the second Kara that Sackhoff plays. Do it, Hollywood. Do it.)

Dule Hill as Mister Terrific/Michael Holt

Mister Terrific is the third smartest person in the DC Universe. Hill has played serious-smart (Charlie on The West Wing) and goofy-smart (as Gus on Psych), so I think he can handle Terrific’s intellect. Plus, he’d just look damned awesome in that mask and jacket.

Emmy Clarke as Stargirl/Courtney Whitmore

One of the comments I heard about the actress cast to play Stargirl on Smallville was that she was a little too “CW.” Court’s got a geeky, awkward thing that I think Monk’s Emmy Clarke could bring to the role.

Molly Quinn as Cyclone/Maxine Hunkel

The youngest member of the JSA, Max Hunkel is a bit of a motormouthed fangirl. While Quinn exudes poise as the daughter of bestselling novelist Richard Castle on Castle, she sure as hell looks the part.

Jensen Ackles as Sandman/Sanderson “Sandy” Hawkins

I can’t explain it…I just like Ackles. I think he’d have a blast playing the former sidekick-turned-hero. Plus, Ackles has shown he can convincingly solve a mystery or two on Supernatural.

Sean Bean as Vandal Savage

There’s just something about a Sean Bean villain. He’s a big dude and can be physically menacing, but there’s also a nobility about him, even as he’s threatening to shoot your wife/husband/daughter/father/best friend.

FridayFlash: Speed Trap

A little something different for this week.

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SPEED TRAP

Zoe stood on the steps of the library and looked out across the quad. Behind and above her, the campus clock tower struck three. The tolling bells were accompanied by a tune that she really couldn’t place, but was sure she’d once heard in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

Only a few lights were on in the windows of the dormitory halls on either side of the tree-lined quad. Zoe had never been to college—life had gotten in the way—but, she thought it was odd that there weren’t more people out and about, even this late on a week night.

“Geez,” she muttered. “I thought college was all about non-stop partying.”

Although, Zoe wasn’t here to party. Or to study, for that matter. No sir, she was here to work.

Her green eyes scanned the darkness, paying close attention to the pools of light created by the old-fashioned, wrought iron lamp posts placed at regular intervals around the perimeter of the quad, as well as along the footpath that snaked through the center of the well-manicured grass. The entire scene was a bit disconcerting, especially when compared to the organized chaos and riotous energy of the quad during the day.

But, despite the illusion of serenity, Zoe was sure someone was here. Lurking. Waiting. Planning. That’s why she was here, after all. She had been sent to investigate the recent string of break-ins on campus. The victims ranged from students to faculty; and, whoever was responsible, had made off with everything from cash to cell phones to laptops. So far, no one had been hurt.

Actually, there had been no interaction with the thief at all. Campus security had no evidence of forced entry and, where available, security cameras yielded no footage of the perpetrator. That pointed to the likelihood that the person responsible was…special. Of course, the others could have handled a shapeshifter, a telepath, or an energy manipulator. Zoe had been sent because she brought something unique to the table.

There.

Movement.

To Zoe’s left, about halfway across the quad, there was a strange flicker of light and shadow. Almost anyone else would have missed it, but Zoe’s eyes were trained to notice things moving at higher-than-normal velocities. The flicker coalesced into a trail of ghosting images. She was able to make out a figure, tall and slender, dressed in jeans and a black hoody.

“Speedster,” Zoe said, grinning to herself. “Takes one to catch one.”

FridayFlash: Dead Man’s Hand

Because you all demanded it, this week’s FridayFlash features the continuing adventures of Professor Ezekiel Solomon.

Enjoy!

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DEAD MAN’S HAND

The detective paced back and forth at the far end of the interview room. Interview room. How do you like that? What a joke. We both knew what this room really was: an interrogation room. I was being interrogated. Hell, I bet the cops even had a cute name for the room. Like “the Box” or “the Cage” or “the Arena.” If the captain considered himself a particularly learned individual, he might so far as to call it “the Crucible.” But, who’d be that pretentious?

Whatever the hell they called it, I found myself alone in the room with one of New York City’s Finest. And, he seemed pretty damned eager to interrogate me.

The detective—what was his name? Berg? Burke? Burnett? Shit, I have no idea—stopped pacing and leaned against the two-way mirror that took up the entire wall across from the table where I was seated. He was a big guy. Maybe not tall, but big. I was a tall guy and, on more than one occasion, I’m pretty sure someone has used the word “rangy” to describe me. But, Detective What’s-His-Name was just a big, broad slab of cop. Seriously. The guy was built like a brick shithouse that had been reenforced with steel and concrete.

He stared at me with tiny, bloodshot eyes. He sniffed and did something with his mouth that made his sand-colored mustache twitch.

“Tell me again, Mr. Solomon…”

“Professor.” I made sure I said the word matter-of-factly and not like I was trying to pull intellectual rank. Why would I? Sure, I have a PhD, but he has a gun. And, no matter how smart you are, you can’t out-think a bullet. Although, to be fair, I have a gun, too. And a shotgun. And knives. Not to mention a crossbow, flamethrower, and a sword.

Crap…where was I? Oh, right.

“I’m a professor of folklore and mythology,” I offered when he repeated my previous statement. See? I offered the information. I was cooperating. All cordial like.

Detaching himself from the wall, the detective plodded across the room and dropped into the chair across from me. The guy was massive. I’m pretty sure most of his ponderous bulk came from too many between-meal snacks, but I didn’t doubt for a second he could wrap those shovel-like mitts around my throat and choke the life out of me if he wanted to. Mental note: avoid that. Anyway, he was like something out of a Greek legend. Like a cyclops. Or a minotaur.

Actually, to be fair, I’ve faced a minotaur and, impressive as the detective was, he’s no minotaur. He does have better taste in suits, though.

“So, Professor Solomon—” yeah, he wasn’t even trying to hide the snark— “what, exactly, were you doing trying to break into the Ellison residence?”

“What do you know about the Hand of Glory?”

I would have been surprised to find out that the New York Police Academy offered courses in arcane science and the mystic arts, but stranger things have happened. Usually when I was around. So, I started with the basics. The hand of a hanged criminal was taken, wrapped in a scrap of the dead man’s burial shroud, and dipped in tallow made from the corpse’s own fat. That last part made our stalwart detective pale slightly. But, he recovered by the time I got to how they would then take hair from the dead man’s head and fashion it into wicks, one for each finger of the hand.

He seemed okay after I told him what a Hand of Glory was. Then, I told him what a Hand of Glory did.

“Wait, wait, wait.” He shifted in his seat, his mustache practically doing the fandango. “This thing…this Hand of Glory…unlocks any door?”

I nodded. “Door. Window. In theory they could open wall safes and safety deposit boxes, too. Anything with a lock.” He already wasn’t buying it, so I figured I’d give him all I had. “And, once the candles were lit, anyone who looks at the thing will be frozen in their tracks and struck dumb.”

“So, you and your accomplice used this Hand of Glory to break into the Ellisons’ apartment…”

I smiled. No, really. I did. Couldn’t help myself. “No, Detective.” I, for the record, said that with practically no snark whatsoever. “When you get around to talking to the Ellisons, you’ll see that Walt Ellison and I were both on the faculty at NYU together and, while we might not have been close, we got along pretty well.”

This was starting to take longer than I had expected. And no one had offered me a soda. Weren’t they supposed to do that when they got you in “the Box”? Offer you a soda or a coffee or a cigarette? Or did they only do that when they were playing good cop-bad cop? If that’s the case, I’m about one cop short. But, damn, I was hungry. And tired. I might as well start from the beginning.

I told the good detective how it had been a few years since I had taught at NYU, but how a few of the professors still kept in touch. One of them, Ellison, had recently been in touch and told me about a series of robberies that had been plaguing faculty members of the university. The names of the victims meant nothing to me. But, when Ellison told me what department each of the victims worked for, something clicked. Two worked in the Ancient Studies department, and one each in the Middle Eastern and Islamic Studies, Religious Studies, and Anthropology departments.

“Look, Detective, I’ve seen stuff, okay? Weird stuff. Stuff that has no real earthly explanation. So, you need to trust me when I say that the guy you have in custody was looking for something. And, judging from his knowledge of the arcane, coupled with the fields of study of the victims, it’s safe to say that whatever it is he’s looking for, is bad news.”

Something told me I was out of time. That something was the lovely red color of the detective’s face and the giant, throbbing forehead vein that was accompanying it.

Deep breath, Zeke. “You don’t have to believe me. I bet you found the pickled hand on our thieving friend, right? And, you guys have my bag, yeah? I’ve got a jar of ointment in there, smells like bird shit, that will counteract the effects of a Hand of Glory.”

The throbbing vein subsided. A little. “It will, huh?”

“Take a look at that guy’s shiner and then tell me if you think I was frozen in my tracks.”